Dear Graysie:

I'm still in shock over the catastrophe our country has endured. Actually, that is a really nice way of saying that I'm still freaking out!! It has been a few months since we were in Disney World and The World trade Center bombing, and yet I am still uneasy. I am sick over all the lives lost and even sicker for the people who've been left behind. I will forever be changed. Right now, I am fascinated with all the survival stories and all the featured families surrounding this horrific event. I am really intrigued with all the men lost who left behind the pregnant wives who are now going to be single parents. For some strange reason, I can't help but wonder how many of them will not survive this emotionally. I think countless hours over the great loss these children, who will never know their fathers, will have to suffer. I think about how hard these women who thought they would have a partner in parenting will now have to work at raising their children alone. I am saddened to know that so many children will now be raised by single mommy's and daddy's. I never think that this is impossible, I just think it will be so much harder than what they had planned for their lives. My heart aches each time I look at your brother and sisters and think how their lives would change had they been left with one less parent.

I also realize what a gift each of the pregnant women have been given as a forever reminder of their lost spouse. I analyze how they would be feeling when they get to tell their children about the parent who loved them deeply. What these mommy's and daddy's who survived will tell their children about the parents who left them in such a sad way. I imagine they will tell them all the wonderful things about them, while leaving out the flaws. I imagine them telling their children they had the other parent's eyes or nose or hands. I'm sure they would have countless photographs to share and some memorable stories. I imagine what I would say about daddy and what he would say about me if we ever had to go through a tragedy like this. I think about all the important things a child who lost a parent, a parent who loved them deeply, would want to hear about them. I think about how these kids would want to know "why?" I think about how they would want to know about their parents interests and hobbies and pet peeves. I think about how they would want to stare at pictures to find resemblances and to "connect" in some way. I think about how they will want to know how it all happened. Every time I'm thinking about this, I am really thinking about you, Graysie, and what you will need to hear. Funny, isn't it? Funny, how God can be preparing me to think about what you will need to hear someday about your birth mom while not even realizing you are out there.

I'm being prepared to love and parent you in the best way I know how, and I will!

love you forever!

Mommy