Dear Graysie,

I go back to Kansas tomorrow. I’ve really loved my time here in Colorado! Part of me wants to stay; I would love to help paint your room, pick out baby clothes, and spend more time with Josh, Ambyr, and their family. But another part of me in anxious to get home; I miss my family and friends. I’m torn and I have a feeling I will be torn the rest of my life….

I truly believe God’s perfect plan was for me to “find” Josh and Ambyr. I truly believe they are the perfect fit, not only you, but for me as well. I truly believe they will be amazing parents and you will have an awesome family. I truly believe placing you in their loving, stable, happy family is the right choice. But “truly believing” all of this just cements the fact that I will never be your mother. “Truly believing” all of this does not take away the pain that losing a child will bring.

I’m scared that losing you will haunt me the rest of my life. I’m terrified I will spend eternity with a big gaping hole in my heart and that only you can fill. Keeping you would be much easier for me, but it wouldn’t be right for you.

I will always be immensely thankful for Ambyr and Josh, but I will never be happy you’re not with me.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

Amanda leaves for Kansas tomorrow. I wish we had more time to spend together getting to know each other and talking about our plans for you. I wish I could stare at her little baby bump for the next nine weeks just knowing you, my baby, is growing. I wish we could tell her to stay with us so I could be sure to have her eating nutritious food and getting plenty of rest. I wish I could talk with her for hours just about her life and her friends and her childhood and her pregnancy.

On the other hand, I have so much to do and only nine weeks to do it. I haven't even started paperwork or researching exactly what we need to do. I know that adoption can be expensive but I am expecting the cost to be minimal because we have found each other and we aren't having to involve an agency. I am going to call around to attorneys first thing in the morning. Although we've found your bedding and all your decorations and furniture I had already gotten rid of all the baby stuff from your brother and sisters and I need to start preparing for your arrival. I am going to be busy.

I am telling people that this nine weeks is going to fly by. I am telling people that I have so much to do and so little time. I'm telling people all of this not because I believe it, but because I'm trying to convince myself that this next nine weeks will go fast. I am anxious and this will be totally agonizing waiting for you to arrive.

I love you forever

Mommy