Dear Graysie

I finally got to meet you today.

Daddy and I had R & G bring Amanda over so we could meet her and discuss her plans for your future. I am nervous and yet your daddy is as calm as he always is in situations like this. All day I've done the "what if...." and "what about...." questions that always seems to overwhelm my thoughts in stressful situations. I was pretty sure I had all the questions laid out that I wanted to ask Amanda when the doorbell finally rang and she was standing on the front porch.

When I opened the door I was amazed that it was the same girl I had seen at family camp. It was the girl I had wished I had talked to, the same girl my insides tugged at me to go meet but never did. She is still as beautiful as I remembered and by looking at her you'd never know she was just 9 weeks from delivering her first baby. I quickly do the math in my head to figure out if she was pregnant at camp, and realize that she was. We welcomed her in the door and sat in the living room to start our heavy conversation. I have fears and doubts and insecurities about how this should go. This is not something I could have planned for, and yet, I still feel like I am totally unprepared for what should come. We have some small talk and out of nowhere I ask her "Are you willing to have an open adoption?" As quickly as it comes out, I want to take it back. Amanda almost looks relieved and answers me by saying that she would prefer to have an open adoption. From there the conversation goes smoothly and centers around Amanda's plans, hopes, and desires for the rest of her pregnancy and for your future. I can tell she loves you already and wants the best for you.

I end up taking Amanda around the house to show her that we have space for you. In my mind I continue doing the math regarding her pregnancy and family camp, and keep getting the same result as before, but I am amazed that maybe that is why I felt drawn to her. This may have been the plan all along! As I'm showing her the house she asks me one question, that as silly as it is, I never thought about. Amanda asked me "where's it's room going to be?" I pause at the question and fumble around with my answer as I think out loud and answer her. I tell her "I guess we'll have the baby right here across the hall from our room in what is now our craft area for the kids" I'm not fully convinced of that plan, just because it is right next to the office and may not be the best place for a napping baby. What I don't want to admit out loud at this point though, is that I don't know where a baby room will be because we've only had this on our minds for less than 24 hours, which didn't give me a lot of prep time for all the little details. As a matter of fact, what I don't realize, is that the next 9 weeks will be the same and it will give me little time to think about details.

By the time Amanda left our house tonight, we'd all pretty much agreed on the fact that we will be your mommy and daddy. Amanda seems confident in her decision to place you for adoption and Daddy and I are overjoyed that she has chosen us. It is a huge life change for all of us, and yet, we all seem to have a quiet confidence regarding the future.

Tomorrow we are planning on having a very important outing with Amanda, I can't wait to go and to tell you all about it.

Love you forever!

Mommy