Dear Graysie,

I spent the entire day with Ambyr, Josh, and their children: Emma, Kaidon, and Mihya. My time with them was AMAZING! They make me feel so welcomed and comfortable. They treat me like I’m their family! I truly believe this is God’s perfect plan! You will have a wonderful family!

Our first stop was “Babies R Us”. I still can’t believe they let ME pick out your crib bedding and nursery décor. I took this responsibility VERY seriously! I not only want you to love it, but I really want them to be pleased as well. I immediately think PINK, PINK, PINK! But then I remember Mihya’s nursery, it’s done in neutrals. Maybe Ambyr is not a pink person? Then I saw the perfect choice, a shabby chic style baby quilt in lavender and lime green. I adore it!

Then it was time to choose your crib. Once again, they let ME pick it out! My eyes went straight to the white cribs. They look so fresh and cheery! I want your room to have the same ambiance as a bright spring morning: full of joy and evoking a feeling like your day is full of endless spectacular possibilities.

They have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to choose what your nursery would look like. It made me feel included in your future. It made me feel like I added something beautiful to your life. It made me feel hopeful. Even though it’s just fabric and wood I wanted to make the perfect choice because I want your life to be perfect and filled with happiness! And if the only way I can express that is by filling your room with bright purples and greens, I will thankfully take it.

Love,

Amanda

P.S I have so much more to tell you about my day with your “forever family” but I’ll save the rest for tomorrow

Dear Graysie

We just got back from an amazing time with Amanda. We had planned this last night, and although it feels like an eternity ago, it has only been 24 hours since we met her…..and you.

We picked Amanda up at R & G's house this afternoon and headed to the baby store. Amanda is leaving to go back to Kansas in a few days but we really wanted her to be a part of helping decorate your nursery. This is one of the first times I realize how opposite that we are from each other. Amanda wants your room to be pink and frilly. My eye scans towards the taupe's and mauve's. I like wood furniture and she loves the white. I don't express much of my opinion, because I know at this point, after having three babies already, that the decorated nursery is not even the surface of whats to come. Amanda actually chooses an adorable set that is light purple and lime green. It is far from the one I would have chosen but I love it because she picked it especially for you. I decide that I will just focus on painting the walls lime green and accessorize with the other pastel colors, so it will be more my style. Ironically, it was less than a year ago when I was doing all of this for Mihya, which helps me be more relaxed about whatever Amanda chooses.

During our time at the baby store I see Amanda's mothering instinct. Mihya intrigues her and she really has a hard time not talking, touching and playing with her. She offers to hold her and totes her in and out of the car. She smiles when strangers compliment how precious your brother and sisters are, as if she has formed a bond to them already. Mihya always gets car sick and this trip to the baby store is no different. Mihya throws up in the store and Amanda doesn't do what most teenagers her age would do. No, Amanda rushes to help and holds Mihya while I clean up the cart and the floor from the mess. My heart can't help but sink at the thought that she would be a good mom to you. How hard this must be for her. It is clear she adores kids.

The one thing that doesn't match up to her actions is her words. When i ask about you kicking she shrugs her shoulders like she doesn't know. When she refers to you, she calls you "it". Part of me is defensive because she is so disassociated. I want her to love you. I want to see that she cares. I need to know that she's attached enough to want to continue a relationship with you once you are born, but I don't see any sign of that. I am fearful for this "open" adoption.

When we leave the baby store we take the kids to stay with Grandy and Grampy so we can have some time alone with Amanda. We go out to dinner with the intention to talk more about the future and our plans for your adoption. Daddy is his normal self and asks a lot of questions to find out how Amanda is doing emotionally. She seems like a rock. It never sounds like her mind goes to any other option but to adoption. She says she knows it would not be fair for her to keep you. She loves you way to much to struggle as a single mom. She mentions another girl she knows at school who is pregnant and will be keeping her baby. I can't help but think of how hard that will be for Amanda to see while you are not with her. I realize from being a mommy already the emotions that take over the first time you lay eyes on your baby and I wonder if Amanda is prepared for that.

The day was amazing. It was a great time to learn more about Amanda, her pregnancy, and her intentions for your future and our open adoption. I'm getting more and more excited. Nine weeks will come quickly, although it can't come soon enough.

I love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I’m anxiously waiting for my visit with Ambyr and Josh! Once again, I’m excited, nervous, and very eager to meet with them! I think today will be spent just getting to know them and their children better. I’m not totally sure what the day will bring….

I have been thinking more and more about how I want our “open adoption” to be. I guess the first place to start is your birth. I feel that if it’s possible, it’s important that Ambyr be in the room for your birth. She is going to be your mother and she deserves to see her child’s first moments. I’m not sure exactly how all of that will work with them being in Colorado and me delivering you in Kansas? But, I’m sure there is some way to make it work. Also, I definitely want to spend time with you in the hospital but I also want them involved. I think it’s essential that we all have the opportunity to bond with you your first few days of life. Is this how normal open adoptions work? Or am I asking too much? I’m really not sure.

I’m certain our hospital stay will go by really fast. I know my parents and brothers will want to spend time with you. I also know that my grandparents, aunts, and even some cousins plan on visiting you. Even a few close friends of mine plan to stop by so they can hold you! There are lots of people who want to meet you! It’s so sad to think that they have to say “hello” and “goodbye forever” in one brief visit….

I hope that Ambyr and Josh will send me tons of pictures. I hope that I will be able to visit once or twice a year. I hope I can send you gifts and even notes. I hope I can come to your first birthday. I hope I can see you dance in a dance recital or score a goal in a soccer game. I hope so many things. Am I hoping too much? Are there really open adoptions this open?

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

It's a new day and my head is still spinning with the whole idea of adoption and infertility and babies and the future. Last night when Amanda left we made plans to meet with her later this afternoon for a special outing. It seems like everything is happening so fast and yet I wouldn't slow it down for anything!

I quickly mention to daddy what has been filling my head. Daddy agrees disappointingly that we've got to at least put Amanda's story out there to our friends. We've got to at least share what we know and from there it is up to them and Amanda, not us.

I pick up the phone and start to dial, although I don't make it through all the digits and hang up. I do this several times before handing this now dauntingly emotional task over to daddy. Daddy calls the few people we know and I can't even stay in the room because I don't want to hear if someone wants to consider it. I do listen intently from the other room because I can't stand not to. Daddy gets a lot of questions but they are not the type of questions I was predicting would come from people who so desperately are awaiting children. They are questions like what color hair does Amanda have? What is her weight like? Has she had any prenatal care? Is she on drugs? Is the baby Caucasian? Does she have any STD's? How long will we have to stay in contact with her? So many seemingly meaningless questions in my opinion.

The questions continue and although a part of me is angry and saddened by our friends unwillingness to accept any baby as their own, I am elated as the phone calls continue in this manner because it means we are just one step closer to making you ours. When daddy finishes these calls, I am overwhelmed.

My cries turn into sobs at the idea that if this works out for us, we may be fighting an uphill battle. What will it take to get our friends to understand how perfect you are? I feel judged and helpless. Some of them have condemned the thought of you and they only know your race. Some of them have talked down the idea of us wanting you by telling us it wouldn't be fair if you didn't look like the rest of us. Other's have made it clear that they would disagree with the open adoption option. some disregard adoption altogether, calling it inhumane. Even with all this negativity being poured into our lives, I'm fearfully convinced we are meant to be your parents and I know by looking into your daddy's eyes, he is convinced too!

I love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

Feelings of excitement, joy, and relief have flooded my heart and mind. Meeting with Ambyr and Josh has given me so much hope for your future and mine! I’m sure this “high on life” feeling will pass and the reality that I’m one step closer to giving you up forever will sink in. But for now, I’m enjoying this “high”.

Ambyr’s first question to me was if I wanted an open adoption. Yes! Of course I want an open adoption. Then she asked what my expectations were for our open adoption. I froze. I don’t have a clue! I’ve never known anyone who has given their child up for adoption, let alone an open adoption. I didn’t even know open adoption existed until a few months ago. I know they are going to want some answers on how I want our “open adoption” to look. I really didn’t think I would be able to have any input on how “open” I wanted your adoption to be. I have a lot to think about!

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

I just woke up in a panic! This could be happening……. this could be real! I got so caught up in the excitement of it all, that I didn't even stop to think about all the people around me who are struggling with infertility and desperately want children. How will I tell them? How will they feel? Am I being selfish to want another baby? Should I ask them if they want to meet Amanda? Maybe she'd rather have one of them be your parents anyway. Maybe they'd be better for you since none of them have children yet. Should we even be doing this? Are we crazy?

I've laid awake half the night wondering what is the best way to do this. Should I be calling the people who are closest to us and asking them? Would we be better off just telling them our plans? Maybe we shouldn't even mention it until things are closer to being finalized. I'm literally sick with worry and scared of the reactions we may get.

After much deliberation in my own mind, I decide it will be best to tell each friend about you and Amanda. I decide that daddy and I can tell Amanda's story to them. We will tell the story up until the point where we said we wanted you. We will tell the story to see if maybe any of them ask to meet Amanda on their own. If they don't, we will continue to pursue this adoption. Yes, that's what I think we should do. It's what I'd want a friend to do if I were the one wanting children and they knew of a baby available. It's the "right" thing to do and yet, I feel a sudden pang of sadness just thinking that maybe you won't be my baby after all. What if someone else wants you? What if Amanda decides we're not the "ones"? I've already fallen in love with you. I'd be devastated!

I cannot worry anymore tonight, I need to sleep for a big day tomorrow.

I love you forever!

Mommy