Dear Graysie,

This morning I saw you for the first time! Even on the blurry sonogram screen your fuzzy image was miraculous! I saw the outline of your head, your beautiful profile, your busy legs, your tiny hands, and your strong heart. I found out you will be what I wanted and feared, a sweet baby girl. I will have a daughter and then I will have to give her away. Could anything else be more terrible?

Once again, I didn’t know how to react in this bittersweet moment. Do I show how thrilled I am that you’re a strong healthy baby girl or do I act detached and apathetic? Even my mind doesn’t know how to feel? How does someone carry a baby for 9 months, give birth to the baby, and then give it away? Whenever I feel happy or excited about you, I think “STOP, she’s never going to be yours, you’re just setting yourself up for more pain and disappointment.” Then when I try and prevent myself from feeling the love I have for you I think, “She’s still your baby, even if it’s only for a few months. You’ll always be her first mother; you’re allowed to love her.” My mind is in a constant battle.

I now realize that my life has forever changed. You will always have my heart, even if I never have yours. I thought I could have you, find a family for you, and then forget all about you. Now I understand how immature and ridiculous my plan ever was. Would it be so wrong for me to keep you just because I love you and I don’t want to have to forever carry the pain of giving you away?

Love,

Amanda