Dear Graysie,

It’s the middle of the night, and even though I’m beyond exhausted I feel so full of excitement and hope that I can’t sleep a wink. Today my prayers were answered! Today God’s perfect plan for my life and most importantly yours were revealed to me….
I woke up this morning anxious and energized; today I was going to Denver to meet Ambyr and Josh! I put on my favorite red sweater, best black pants, and made sure my hair and makeup was just right. I wanted to make the best impression I could!
The drive to Denver was full of grassy hills and dense pine trees. I enjoyed the scenery so much we were there before I knew it! R and G took me to lunch and then we went furniture shopping. As we wondered around Ethan Allen and Pottery Barn I was growing more and more nervous about meeting Ambyr and Josh. What if they didn’t like me? What if I wasn’t pretty enough? What if I wasn’t smart enough?

It was dark by the time we arrived at Ambyr and Josh’s home. I couldn’t see much except that the house looked huge! I slowly made my way up to their front door and knocked softly. Josh flung the door open with Ambyr by his side. They greeted me and I instantly felt calm and confident. Their home, although large, felt warm and inviting. I met their 3 small children. Each was ridiculously cute and had delightful little personalities. After only spending 10 minutes with their children I not only adored them but knew they were well behaved, happy, and loved. The kids went upstairs to play while Ambyr, Josh and I sat down to talk.

Ambyr immediately asked me if I wanted an open adoption and I immediately told her yes. She seemed as relieved and I did. We then went through all the basic information: when your due date is, how your health is, your gender, etc. They also asked me what my expectations are for an open adoption. I wasn’t sure how to answer this question. I don’t want to say the wrong things to “scare” them off and I don’t know how much or how little I want to be in your life. I’ll have to think about this one.

When I left their home I just knew this is the right family for you. This is where you’re supposed to be. I know they will love you and allow me to be involved in your life. I’m not sure how I can feel so confident after only meeting with them for less than an hour, but in my heart I just know this is the right and perfect choice for you!

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

I finally got to meet you today.

Daddy and I had R & G bring Amanda over so we could meet her and discuss her plans for your future. I am nervous and yet your daddy is as calm as he always is in situations like this. All day I've done the "what if...." and "what about...." questions that always seems to overwhelm my thoughts in stressful situations. I was pretty sure I had all the questions laid out that I wanted to ask Amanda when the doorbell finally rang and she was standing on the front porch.

When I opened the door I was amazed that it was the same girl I had seen at family camp. It was the girl I had wished I had talked to, the same girl my insides tugged at me to go meet but never did. She is still as beautiful as I remembered and by looking at her you'd never know she was just 9 weeks from delivering her first baby. I quickly do the math in my head to figure out if she was pregnant at camp, and realize that she was. We welcomed her in the door and sat in the living room to start our heavy conversation. I have fears and doubts and insecurities about how this should go. This is not something I could have planned for, and yet, I still feel like I am totally unprepared for what should come. We have some small talk and out of nowhere I ask her "Are you willing to have an open adoption?" As quickly as it comes out, I want to take it back. Amanda almost looks relieved and answers me by saying that she would prefer to have an open adoption. From there the conversation goes smoothly and centers around Amanda's plans, hopes, and desires for the rest of her pregnancy and for your future. I can tell she loves you already and wants the best for you.

I end up taking Amanda around the house to show her that we have space for you. In my mind I continue doing the math regarding her pregnancy and family camp, and keep getting the same result as before, but I am amazed that maybe that is why I felt drawn to her. This may have been the plan all along! As I'm showing her the house she asks me one question, that as silly as it is, I never thought about. Amanda asked me "where's it's room going to be?" I pause at the question and fumble around with my answer as I think out loud and answer her. I tell her "I guess we'll have the baby right here across the hall from our room in what is now our craft area for the kids" I'm not fully convinced of that plan, just because it is right next to the office and may not be the best place for a napping baby. What I don't want to admit out loud at this point though, is that I don't know where a baby room will be because we've only had this on our minds for less than 24 hours, which didn't give me a lot of prep time for all the little details. As a matter of fact, what I don't realize, is that the next 9 weeks will be the same and it will give me little time to think about details.

By the time Amanda left our house tonight, we'd all pretty much agreed on the fact that we will be your mommy and daddy. Amanda seems confident in her decision to place you for adoption and Daddy and I are overjoyed that she has chosen us. It is a huge life change for all of us, and yet, we all seem to have a quiet confidence regarding the future.

Tomorrow we are planning on having a very important outing with Amanda, I can't wait to go and to tell you all about it.

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I’m still in Colorado! Every day I’m gaining strength and peace about my adoption plans. All of my family here (and back home) supports my decision to place you in an adoptive family. They know I’m making this decision out of love. This brings me to my amazing news…. I think I might have found your adoptive family, your forever family (I like that term better)!

My cousins R and G (they live in Denver, R is my aunt’s son and G is his wife; very nice couple! ) know a couple named Josh and Ambyr . They want to meet me, to find out more about you! What’s even more crazy and incredible is that Josh and Ambyr were at church camp this summer, when I was there! What’s even crazier is that as soon as my Aunt S said there was a couple, friends of R and G, I immediately knew who that couple was. Without seeing a picture or even hearing their name, their charming little family popped into my head! Just to confirm my thoughts my Aunt S whipped out a picture of them and it was the same family that I was picturing! I remember exactly who they are! I think it’s a God thing! They had two charming toddlers, a girl and a boy, and a delightful little baby, also a girl. WOW! You might have 2 sisters and a brother! They seemed like the perfect family! Could it really be possible that I have found your adoptive family without even looking?!?! This just feels so right! I think this just might be God’s perfect plan for you and for me. R and G are taking me to meet your possible “forever family” tomorrow. I’m so excited, anxious, nervous, hopeful, terrified, and optimistic.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie:

God dropped a baby on our doorstep just like daddy had mentioned at our bible study not even 24 hrs. ago!

Let me explain. Our friend R, whom we've known for 5 years was with daddy today. They have been in some sort of business venture together since the time they met and R has just gotten into real estate. Daddy is helping him learn the business and so he was going on a listing appointment with him. As they were driving down the road talking about life R mentioned to daddy that his young cousin, Amanda, was here staying because she was going through some hard times. Having a heart for youth daddy asked what exactly she was dealing with. R told daddy that she was pregnant and was looking to give the baby up for adoption. Daddy was shocked. R and daddy talked some more and before they knew it daddy was calling me.

I was home taking care of our house and hanging out with my neighbor Pam. She was over and the kids were in the backyard playing. Our phone rang and it was your daddy. I was expecting him to be calling to tell me he was running late, he ran out of gas, or even to ask if we had plans or not to be able to go out to dinner with R & G; but instead I got the shock of my life! Your daddy, the one who was totally against adoption less than 24 hrs. ago, was calling to ask me if I'd like to meet Amanda who was giving her baby up for adoption. I had no words, I was officially speechless. I think I fumbled around asking questions about who and why and when. I hung up the phone and in an absolute emotion between shock, panic and excitement I told Pam what was going on. In minutes Pam had left and I started calling Grandy and anyone else I could think of. Since daddy was in his appointment and I couldn't talk to him in more detail, I had a million questions that were unanswered.

Once daddy got back home he gave me some more details. He knew you were going to be biracial, he knew Amanda had not been on drugs, he knew there was no boyfriend in the mix, but that was pretty much all he knew. We waited for a call from R & G to see if Amanda had any interest in meeting with us. It felt like we waited forever and yet, fairly quickly we got the call from R saying Amanda would like to meet with us.

I don't know what will come of our meeting with Amanda. I haven't thought about adopting. I only know some details from friends who have gone through the process. I know it's expensive, but we have the resources to cover it. I know we have just had a baby who is almost 10 months old and it could be hard, but it would be worth it. I know we have this big house that we prayed God would bless other people by, but this would take care of one empty bedroom. I know for some reason I've been feeling like I wanted to expand our family, but I wouldn't have to be pregnant to do that. I know you are biracial, but I would love you no matter what. I know daddy said no more babies, but God dropped one on our doorstep.

The only concern I have at this point is for our friends who are all struggling to conceive. I push that thought aside because in my heart I'm thinking "This just doesn't happen in real life! Don't get your hopes up, Amanda could think you're just not good enough for her baby."

Good thing for me, that didn't happen!

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I’ve been in Colorado a couple of weeks now and I’ve LOVED my time here! My aunt and uncle are so great! I’ve always been close to them which made the transition to temporarily living with them so easy. They make me feel safe, loved, hopeful, and confident! My cousin J (their daughter), and her two children are also staying here! It so much fun to spend time with J and her two adorable kids!

My days are filled with TLC’s “Bringing Home Baby” or “Trading Spaces”, reading Reader’s Digest condensed novels, hanging out with J, playing with her kids, and occasionally sightseeing. My aunt is an AMAZING cook, so I look forward to dinner every night! They’ve also taken me to some really good restaurants! We spend the evening playing dominoes or cards, baking delicious desserts, or just talking. I’ve really enjoyed my time here! I’ve been able to relax and rejuvenate!

I came to Colorado to somewhat escape my pregnancy, my adoption plans, my judgmental peers, basically my life. But somehow my visit has helped me to see that my pregnancy, although unplanned and life shattering, can be turned into a positive. This pregnancy has given me strength and courage I didn’t know I could possess. It has forced me to trust completely in the Lord and allow him to take care of me in a way I didn’t know was possible. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted the Lord as my personal savior at 7, but this experience has tested and reinforced my faith. I truly can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me!

I’ve spent time enjoying your kicks and flips in my growing belly, quietly talking to you, quietly crying for you, quietly loving you. Somehow, my time alone with you has made me realize more and more that my choice to place you in an adoptive family is out of absolute love for you. I know I’m making the right choice for you. All of the horrible things that have been said about me, about you, about adoption, hold no bearing over me. I know my family, a few good friends, and the Lord is on my side and I have peace knowing this. I’m not saying that giving you away will not be unbelievably hard and emotionally devastating, but knowing that I’m making the right choice for you is what I hold on to.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie:

Daily I am being prepared for your arrival and molded into the mommy that will love and care for you and yet, I am completely unaware of your existence.

Your daddy and I have recently decided that our family is complete with just Emma, kaidon, and Mihya. We are so sure of this decision that daddy has even been to the doctor so that we are sure we wont have any more babies.

Tonight your daddy and I had our bible study. We meet weekly to talk about life and marriage and kids. Tonight we talked about feeling led. What you don't know yet, but will have plenty of time to learn, is that I am a questioner by nature and therefore I posed some questions tonight that to me were not important, but turns out they were the start of everything! Tonight I wondered out loud in our bible study group that if I felt led about an important issue like having more children and your daddy didn't, what are we to do? Graysie, what you have to know, is that I didn't even think I wanted more children. I was just wondering out loud what someone would do if that were to happen. Your daddy got nervous and thought I wanted another baby and this made him tell me over and over he would not be having one. I started to get pretty frustrated at him and even though I didn't think I wanted another baby, it made me upset that he wouldn't listen to me. What if I decided to change my mind? After much discussion with the rest of our group, we decided that God can do great things to change people's hearts. Your daddy even said that if God dropped a baby on his door step he was certainly not going to turn it away but that he thought God was powerful enough to change some one's heart so that people would feel led in the the same direction. Little did daddy know, that God would do just that!

I already love you, I'm already fighting for you to be mine and I haven't even been told about you. How special is that?

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

Tomorrow I leave for Colorado! I’m so thankful that I’m able to get away for awhile. I’ll be staying with my aunt and uncle in Colorado Springs. Someday, I plan on making Colorado my permanent home so this will be a “practice” run. I’m not sure how long I’m going to stay, but I guess I have to be back by April 3; my due date.

I’m so excited to be spending some time in Colorado, but this was not how I pictured my 2^nd semester of senior year. Graduating early to have a baby was never in my plans! I’m trying hard to be strong and not focus on all that I have lost or will be losing. When I think about missing out on spring break, prom, and senior picnic, I am a little disappointed. But those things seem so trivial compared to the thought of missing out on your whole life. That thought is beyond devastating. I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed at all of the losses these next few months will bring.

I wonder if I’m getting too attached to you. Do I think about you too much? I struggle to not even let my mind think about what it would be like to keep you. I know that it would be REALLY hard, but wouldn’t it be worth it? I haven’t even been back to the adoption counselor. I haven’t even started choosing your parents. I guess it will have to wait until after I get back from Colorado. I just need some time to relax. These past few months have been exhausting!

Oh, I’ve chosen your name…. Gracie Piper. I know it will never be your forever name, but at least I will think of you as that.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie:

I can't believe we are celebrating Christmas already.

Daddy loves Christmas and this time of year, and grew up with so much excitement surrounding it. I've heard stories over the last eight years about how daddy would sit and stare at the tree for hours and he'd arrange the gifts under it so they were placed perfectly, and then stare some more. When daddy and I were in college I remember as early as the end of August Christmas music billowing out from under his dorm room door. When other students were listening to country or rock, your daddy was preparing for Christmas cheerfulness…. in August! As the time has gone on, he has started the Christmas music earlier and earlier until it is now beginning in July. By this time I am a little over the Christmas music. His Christmas music collection has grown quite large because of my annoyance with the same songs over and over. Now he has the pleasure of annoying all of our staff with it too. Daddy also has a passion for gifts. He does like receiving them but more importantly he is almost obsessed with finding each person on our list the "perfect" gift. Sometimes it takes him much longer than I want to spend researching gift choices for a person.

My Christmas memories are not as fond. I am not sure if it is because I was over indulged as a child and therefore the gifts had no real value? It may be because Grampy has his birthday just ten days before Christmas and we never decorated until the 16Th of December and therefore the anticipation wasn't as agonizing. We never listened to Christmas music, didn't have any family traditions set in stone and rarely had extended family visiting. The extent of our decorating was a tree with ornaments, no lights on the house no nativity in the front yard. I guess it wasn't that much more exciting than a birthday to me. It's not that I didn't enjoy the season, no, it's just that it didn't have the affect on me that it had on your daddy.

Daddy's love for the holidays rubs off on all of us who are living close to him. From the time you walk through the doors of our home you realize it is Christmas. Every stocking is hung and every picture on the wall is wrapped in gift wrap with giant bows. The festivities begin the day after Thanksgiving and kept there until the day after Christmas when it all gets placed back in its box. Our collection has grown immensely over the years and we even have Christmas bedding and bathroom sets for every room and bathroom in the house. Now that we have the kids, Christmas is met with even more excitement and exuberance. I have learned not to do the shopping to early or we end up with enough gifts under our tree for four families. Daddy loves the crowded malls and hustle and bustle of crazy holiday shoppers. Even with two toddlers and an infant we find ourselves at the mall at the most crowded times so daddy can get his high!

We've even set up some really fantastic holiday traditions. We never miss a candle light serve on Christmas Eve where the Christmas story is told and never gets tiring. Grandy and Grampy spend the night every year on Christmas eve so they are here when little toes finally hit the floor. GG spends the day with us, and every year we just don't seem to get our timing coordinated for her arrival. Grampy and daddy bumble around in the kitchen but mommy typically does the cooking while barking orders to Grandy. Daddy hits Starbucks bright and early and brings yummy treats for everyone. We set out cookies for Santa. We sprinkle oats for the reindeer. Mommy is in charge of dispersing the gifts, but daddy and Grampy are the ones who transfer them to the correct room of the house. Everything, whether spoken or not, is our tradition surrounding Christmas. We love this time as a family. We love the reminder of our saviors birth.

Can't wait for you to be a part of this next year and for many years to come, you're going to love it too.

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

Tomorrow is Christmas! My parents have always made the holiday season so special for us. That must be why it’s my favorite time of year. I love putting the ornaments on the tree. I enjoy baking, frosting, and decorating sugar cookies. I adore the “hunt” for the perfect gift and then wrapping it beautifully! The music, lights, holiday parties, and all the hustling and bustling is my paradise.

I keep thinking how this is our first and last Christmas together. I will never be able to share my love of Christmas with you, our holiday traditions, or choose your “Santa” presents. I will never take you to Christmas Eve church service or read the “Nativity Story” to you. I will never help you write a letter to Santa or take you to sit on his lap. I will never hear you sing “Jingle Bells” or see your first Christmas pageant. No one realizes how much I’m giving up by giving you up.

Choosing your parent’s is going to be so hard. I want you to have parents that make Christmas special for you. I want you to have parents who teach you the “TRUE” meaning of Christmas. I want you to have parents who give you “Santa” gifts. Most importantly, I want you to have parents who cherish every Christmas memory they get to make with you, because I would give my right arm to just have one.

Merry Christmas with love,

Amanda

Dear Graysie:

I'm having so much fun living my dream of being a mommy. I am high on life doing what I've dreamt about for years. I am your typical "stay at home mom" who is never at home. Emma, Kaidon, Mihya and I spend our days drenched in togetherness and I am enjoying each day to the fullest. I am meant to be a mom, I was designed for this. To say I have "extreme pride in what I do" is an understatement, although words cannot describe fully how much I am enjoying my life right now.

Your daddy and I have a love that I have not seen in any other couple. We adore each other and respect each other to the fullest. Although we see each others flaws, unlike most of the couples we know who decide to nag about those flaws your daddy and I have formed an unspoken gesture that we will just fill in for each others short comings. We do it without nagging and frustration but out of deep love for one another. We focus on the kids as much as possible while being sure to stay focused on the marriage we both cherish. I am a better person because of your daddy and he is better because of me, something we both acknowledge.

Our family is picture perfect. We have two adorable toddlers and a beautiful baby girl, a great house, great friends, a thriving business, a dog, and made for t.v. love. Who could ever ask for more? I couldn't dream of anything being better and yet just when I think it can't get any better than it is right now, it does. Soon, very,very soon!

I love you forever!

mommy

Dear Graysie,

This morning I saw you for the first time! Even on the blurry sonogram screen your fuzzy image was miraculous! I saw the outline of your head, your beautiful profile, your busy legs, your tiny hands, and your strong heart. I found out you will be what I wanted and feared, a sweet baby girl. I will have a daughter and then I will have to give her away. Could anything else be more terrible?

Once again, I didn’t know how to react in this bittersweet moment. Do I show how thrilled I am that you’re a strong healthy baby girl or do I act detached and apathetic? Even my mind doesn’t know how to feel? How does someone carry a baby for 9 months, give birth to the baby, and then give it away? Whenever I feel happy or excited about you, I think “STOP, she’s never going to be yours, you’re just setting yourself up for more pain and disappointment.” Then when I try and prevent myself from feeling the love I have for you I think, “She’s still your baby, even if it’s only for a few months. You’ll always be her first mother; you’re allowed to love her.” My mind is in a constant battle.

I now realize that my life has forever changed. You will always have my heart, even if I never have yours. I thought I could have you, find a family for you, and then forget all about you. Now I understand how immature and ridiculous my plan ever was. Would it be so wrong for me to keep you just because I love you and I don’t want to have to forever carry the pain of giving you away?

Love,

Amanda

Dear Graysie:

Daddy is the youth group leader for our church and has been for a couple of years now. He loves his time each week spent with all these teenagers. He has brought our youth group from 3 to 150 kids. Our church congregation is now incredibly smaller than our youth group. Daddy has a way of bringing something from nothing to greatness, a gift in a way. They adore him and he has a unique approach with them. You see, our youth group is made up of kids who are broken and hurting. It does not house your typical "churched" teenager. Yes, we have a handful of kids who've gone to church their whole lives, but for the most part they are just your typical teenage kids. Daddy knew if he provided food, fun and a safe environment that he could reach these kids like no other youth group would.

Many of the parents of these kids are absent. Either physically or emotionally. Most of the kids came because we left the church doors open and as they skateboarded or ran by daddy would invite them in. Pretty simple approach, but it worked. These kids are broken and they need a place to share their stories and their hearts. Each week, I also help, although I feel less than natural with these big kids. It takes a lot of work for me to feel comfortable with them and I generally just busy myself with game set up and cleaning up. I do form bonds with many of the young girls. One in particular who is a teen mom. I am her sounding board when things get tough, I am her motivation when she is lacking skill to go on. I hear her heart and her embarrassments and her fears for her future. I realize that I am able to connect with her so much more than I thought I would.

These big kids will not end up perfect. These big kids make many mistakes. Daddy stands at the door each week and collects drugs from pockets so that the kids who are not into that feel safe, and so he can establish an environment to teach these kids that he cares enough to not want them harming their bodies(something many of their parents have not done for them). We have been called at 3 a.m. by the police because one of our "kids" had shoplifted and they didn't think to call their mom or dad but instead they called us. We have been to school events where parents never showed up. We attend baseball games many times for our kids who play. We employed many of them for their first jobs. We talk through heartbreaking family situations. We listen when they feel helpless and we hug when they had never received affection before. We love these kids and we see good in them even when the world has not a glimmer of hope.

Our experience with these kids who the world see's as "bad", "wild", "non-christian" and so many other negative labels will set us up for grace when it comes to meeting your birth mom. Although she will come to us as a christian and has loving great parents, she will be hurting and broken and we will know how to be there for her even though our kids are only toddlers.

We still don't know you are coming, but we are loving you already.

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I must tell you, I am horrible about showing my emotions. I try very hard to act like I’m fine and you are nothing more than an inconvenience. As each day goes by it gets harder and harder to keep up this charade of cheerfulness. No one knows how heartbreaking this all is for me. You’re becoming more and more real and I’m trying desperately to not get attached to you. I know if I start to think about you as a real baby, my baby, I’ll never be able to give you up.

I felt you move for the first time while I was in the bathtub this evening. You felt like little butterflies. My heart leapt for joy and then it shattered when I realized I only have 4 more months with you. I sobbed silently. No one realizes how much I already love you.

I’ll find out in a couple weeks if you’re a boy or a girl. I would love a little girl! But, if you’re a girl it might make giving you up that much harder. I just keep thinking of all the mother/daughter experiences I’ll miss forever. Playing dress up, going to “tea parties”, painting your tiny nails hot pink, dance classes, reading princess books…. I’m going to miss everything.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with an adoption counselor. She showed me a catalog of lovely families that all greatly want a baby. I looked at countless glossy pictures of pleasant looking couples in their backyard, on a beach, in front of a fireplace, etc. I read many of their profiles. They all looked and sounded fine but something just didn’t feel “right”. I felt like God was saying “Wait, just wait, none of these families is the perfect match, just wait.” For now, that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait. Maybe all of this is just too difficult and I’m procrastinating because it’s easier than face this monumental decision? I’m going to Colorado next month to stay with my aunt for awhile. I need to make my decision or at least narrow down my options before I leave. Picking out your parents will be the biggest responsibility I’ve ever had. For now though, I’ll wait.

Love,

Amanda

Dear Graysie:

I know enough about private adoption to realize that the adoptive parents really do not get much of a say in whether or not the birth mom goes through with finalizing the adoption. I know that not only because long ago my friend gave her little boy up for adoption all on her "terms" and because I've had a couple acquaintances have adoptions go bad.

Just a couple months ago while talking to our friends about adoption they told me a story of a friend who had an adoption go bad on the day they were supposed to bring their baby home from the hospital. The friends who were telling us about it were our friends who could never "steal" someone else's baby and so their point was that they were secretly happy that the birth mom made the "right" choice. When it came up I wanted to debate who decides if this is the "right" choice or not, but instead I kept my mouth shut and moved the conversation along to more surface things that we could both agree on. I feel desperately sorry for these friends because I know they are struggling with conception and therefore I wonder if they will ever be given the family they are hoping for since they are so closed off of adoption. I know they can not afford countless IVF treatments or infertility drugs and yet they are strongly against adoption and have made that very clear to us in several situations over the past few months. God is so good to be opening our eyes again.

Another set of good friends have now just experienced an adoption that went bad. We are heart broken for these friends, and we sincerely know that they will be awesome parents. They spent their life savings on this adoption and now they have nothing to show for it, except a lot of dreams dashed. They made it through the whole pregnancy and even got to hold "their" little boy at the hospital before the birth mom changed her mind. I am trying to be a comfort, but I am so busy with your brother and sisters that I know I'm not giving it as much time as I should be. I know that it would be awfully heartbreaking for me to show up at her door with three wonderful kids too, so I really am keeping my distance.

All of this talk of adoption and adoptions going bad will play such a huge role in our lives in the next few months. I am fully aware the risk the adoptive parents have and also the terms of open adoption that people set up. I realize that each adoption story is not the same end result and do not have the same requirements from the adoptive parents. I think a lot about how simple or hard the requests from birth parents would be for me to fulfill if I were the one adopting a child. For some reason I think a lot about exactly what I could handle and how each of the situations would help an adopted child long term. Little do I know that this is just another way of preparing my heart for you, our first adopted baby girl.

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

4 days ago I was shopping for outfits to wear for senior pictures, now I’m shopping for an OBGYN…. Today I had my first prenatal appointment. My aunt used to be a receptionist for an OBGYN office and highly recommended a woman named Dr. Stites. You normally have to wait weeks, even months to get an appointment with her, but somehow they managed to squeeze me in. I think the fact that I’m already 4+ months pregnant and have had no prenatal care helped.

I was really nervous about going to see a gynecologist. I have never been before; I have never needed to before. I was thankful my mom and Lauren accompanied me on this uncomfortable experience. When I arrived I signed in and sat down in a crowded waiting room. I looked around and discovered I was the youngest patient by far. The nicely furnished room was filled with eager, anxious, happy pregnant women all in their 20’s or 30’s. I was the only one in this room who doesn’t want their baby, who hated the fact that she is pregnant, who wanted to be ANYWHERE but here. After waiting for 20 minutes the nurse called my name. I embarrassingly followed her to an exam room. I knew all the excited moms to be were watching me.

My nurse had a welcoming smile and a warm face. Thank God for small miracles! She had me pee in a way too small cup and then weighed me. I haven’t gained a pound! Maybe I should be concerned, but secretly I’m so relieved! I’m not ready for the world to be able to look at me and instantly know I’m pregnant. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that. The nurse asked when my last normal period was and the date of conception, she entered that information on this little wheel/chart device and announced my due date: April 3, 2002. Three weeks before I turn 18. Not being pregnant anymore will be a magnificent birthday present!

I then met my doctor, Dr. Stites. She also seems really nice and not at all surprised by my age. I spent some time in the stir ups (so not a fun experience) and then she measured and felt my stomach. I was surprised when she said we were going to listen to your heartbeat. I hadn’t planned for this. Am I suppose to smile gleefully and seem thrilled at the sound of my babies heart beat, or do I melt into tears because I’m hearing the heartbeat of a baby that will never be mine? Dr. Stites found your heart beat right away; I looked out the window awkwardly not knowing how to react. She said your heart beat is fast and strong and that everything else looks great. I’m so thankful you’re healthy. Even if you’ll never be mine, I already want the best for you.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie:

I'm still in shock over the catastrophe our country has endured. Actually, that is a really nice way of saying that I'm still freaking out!! It has been a few months since we were in Disney World and The World trade Center bombing, and yet I am still uneasy. I am sick over all the lives lost and even sicker for the people who've been left behind. I will forever be changed. Right now, I am fascinated with all the survival stories and all the featured families surrounding this horrific event. I am really intrigued with all the men lost who left behind the pregnant wives who are now going to be single parents. For some strange reason, I can't help but wonder how many of them will not survive this emotionally. I think countless hours over the great loss these children, who will never know their fathers, will have to suffer. I think about how hard these women who thought they would have a partner in parenting will now have to work at raising their children alone. I am saddened to know that so many children will now be raised by single mommy's and daddy's. I never think that this is impossible, I just think it will be so much harder than what they had planned for their lives. My heart aches each time I look at your brother and sisters and think how their lives would change had they been left with one less parent.

I also realize what a gift each of the pregnant women have been given as a forever reminder of their lost spouse. I analyze how they would be feeling when they get to tell their children about the parent who loved them deeply. What these mommy's and daddy's who survived will tell their children about the parents who left them in such a sad way. I imagine they will tell them all the wonderful things about them, while leaving out the flaws. I imagine them telling their children they had the other parent's eyes or nose or hands. I'm sure they would have countless photographs to share and some memorable stories. I imagine what I would say about daddy and what he would say about me if we ever had to go through a tragedy like this. I think about all the important things a child who lost a parent, a parent who loved them deeply, would want to hear about them. I think about how these kids would want to know "why?" I think about how they would want to know about their parents interests and hobbies and pet peeves. I think about how they would want to stare at pictures to find resemblances and to "connect" in some way. I think about how they will want to know how it all happened. Every time I'm thinking about this, I am really thinking about you, Graysie, and what you will need to hear. Funny, isn't it? Funny, how God can be preparing me to think about what you will need to hear someday about your birth mom while not even realizing you are out there.

I'm being prepared to love and parent you in the best way I know how, and I will!

love you forever!

Mommy