Dear Graysie,

Today I flew home to Kansas. It was my first flight all by myself! I was so nervous I drank 4 cranberry juices really fast and then felt really nauseous the rest of the way home. I’m lucky it’s only a 90 min flight!

My parents were waiting at the gates and you could tell they were very excited to have me back. My mom said I look really healthy, that I have the pregnancy “glow”, and that I finally look pregnant. All I heard is “You look fat!” Yuck! Not what I wanted to hear. I know she meant it in a nice way, but the last thing I want to look like is pregnant! I’m almost 8 months along, and I know that logically I should “look” like I’m very pregnant. I also know it wouldn’t be healthy for you if I didn’t gain an appropriate amount of weight (I’ve already gained 12 lbs!). But, “looking” pregnant makes it so public. Hiding you behind big sweaters or oversized sweat shirts is my protection from curious, judgmental, pity filled eyes.

After leaving the airport, my parents took me to a late lunch and I told them all about my stay in Colorado. I gushed about how amazing your “parents to be” were, and how I already adored your “soon to be” brother and sisters. I described how gigantic yet homey your new home is, how adorable your lavender and lime green baby quilt is, how massive your Great Dane puppy Jack is, how your neighborhood looks picture perfect, and how you already have a swing set and trampoline waiting for you in your backyard. I told them that your life will be prefect because Ambyr, Josh, Emma, Kaidon, and Mihya are the perfect family that God has chosen for you.

My parents seem relieved that we have found your family. They plan on meeting Ambyr and Josh in a couple of weeks. I know they will love them as much as I do!

Love,

Amanda

Dear Graysie

Amanda left for Kansas today. We didn't hear from her and honestly we never got her phone number to be able to call her either. It is hard to say everything that I want to say or ask of her right now. I'm hopeful that in time it will get easier.

I'm struggling between many emotions but especially with paranoia. We have already made a space in our hearts for you. I already fear that we could lose you. Amanda has no obligation to us and has every right to change her mind, but it would absolutely crush us at this point.

I've busied myself with calls. Calls to attorneys, calls to counselors, call to social workers, calls to adoption agencies, calls to friends and calls to family. What I've found out is that this process may not be as easy as we had expected. The good news is that it can be done, and we have many choices

Our most pressing choice is which state we want our adoption to be finalized in. Adoptions vary greatly from state to state and therefore I've researched all options available in both. One of the biggest differences for us is that in Colorado it takes many months for you to be truly ours. In Kansas it takes just 30 days. The biggest difference for Amanda is that in Colorado she would have to go in front of the judge a few times and tell him that she still wanted to give you up for adoption. I just can't imagine putting her through that, so we've decided that Kansas would be our best choice for both of us. Now, all we need to do is find an attorney who can help.

With our new decision to finalize through Kansas, I have a great deal of planning to do. I need to be sure that when Amanda goes into labor we are ready with a babysitter who can watch your brother and sisters. We are needing to travel to Kansas a couple of times to meet with counselors and attorneys too. I have so much to do and yet it exhilarating just knowing that soon you will be our baby. Besides, I'm looking forward to spending time withAmanda so I can someday tell you all about her!!

I love you forever!

Mommy