Dear Graysie,

I must tell you, I am horrible about showing my emotions. I try very hard to act like I’m fine and you are nothing more than an inconvenience. As each day goes by it gets harder and harder to keep up this charade of cheerfulness. No one knows how heartbreaking this all is for me. You’re becoming more and more real and I’m trying desperately to not get attached to you. I know if I start to think about you as a real baby, my baby, I’ll never be able to give you up.

I felt you move for the first time while I was in the bathtub this evening. You felt like little butterflies. My heart leapt for joy and then it shattered when I realized I only have 4 more months with you. I sobbed silently. No one realizes how much I already love you.

I’ll find out in a couple weeks if you’re a boy or a girl. I would love a little girl! But, if you’re a girl it might make giving you up that much harder. I just keep thinking of all the mother/daughter experiences I’ll miss forever. Playing dress up, going to “tea parties”, painting your tiny nails hot pink, dance classes, reading princess books…. I’m going to miss everything.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with an adoption counselor. She showed me a catalog of lovely families that all greatly want a baby. I looked at countless glossy pictures of pleasant looking couples in their backyard, on a beach, in front of a fireplace, etc. I read many of their profiles. They all looked and sounded fine but something just didn’t feel “right”. I felt like God was saying “Wait, just wait, none of these families is the perfect match, just wait.” For now, that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait. Maybe all of this is just too difficult and I’m procrastinating because it’s easier than face this monumental decision? I’m going to Colorado next month to stay with my aunt for awhile. I need to make my decision or at least narrow down my options before I leave. Picking out your parents will be the biggest responsibility I’ve ever had. For now though, I’ll wait.

Love,

Amanda