Dear Graysie:

I know enough about private adoption to realize that the adoptive parents really do not get much of a say in whether or not the birth mom goes through with finalizing the adoption. I know that not only because long ago my friend gave her little boy up for adoption all on her "terms" and because I've had a couple acquaintances have adoptions go bad.

Just a couple months ago while talking to our friends about adoption they told me a story of a friend who had an adoption go bad on the day they were supposed to bring their baby home from the hospital. The friends who were telling us about it were our friends who could never "steal" someone else's baby and so their point was that they were secretly happy that the birth mom made the "right" choice. When it came up I wanted to debate who decides if this is the "right" choice or not, but instead I kept my mouth shut and moved the conversation along to more surface things that we could both agree on. I feel desperately sorry for these friends because I know they are struggling with conception and therefore I wonder if they will ever be given the family they are hoping for since they are so closed off of adoption. I know they can not afford countless IVF treatments or infertility drugs and yet they are strongly against adoption and have made that very clear to us in several situations over the past few months. God is so good to be opening our eyes again.

Another set of good friends have now just experienced an adoption that went bad. We are heart broken for these friends, and we sincerely know that they will be awesome parents. They spent their life savings on this adoption and now they have nothing to show for it, except a lot of dreams dashed. They made it through the whole pregnancy and even got to hold "their" little boy at the hospital before the birth mom changed her mind. I am trying to be a comfort, but I am so busy with your brother and sisters that I know I'm not giving it as much time as I should be. I know that it would be awfully heartbreaking for me to show up at her door with three wonderful kids too, so I really am keeping my distance.

All of this talk of adoption and adoptions going bad will play such a huge role in our lives in the next few months. I am fully aware the risk the adoptive parents have and also the terms of open adoption that people set up. I realize that each adoption story is not the same end result and do not have the same requirements from the adoptive parents. I think a lot about how simple or hard the requests from birth parents would be for me to fulfill if I were the one adopting a child. For some reason I think a lot about exactly what I could handle and how each of the situations would help an adopted child long term. Little do I know that this is just another way of preparing my heart for you, our first adopted baby girl.

Love you forever!

Mommy