Dear Graysie,

Today was my first day back to school since finding out about you. I needed to take a couple of days to master faking a smile and acting like my world did not just fall apart. I woke up extra early, put on my favorite dress (black silk with red roses), and made sure my makeup was flawless. If everyone was going to be staring, they might as well stare at me when I look my best.

When I went to get in my car I discovered someone had wrote “OREO”, “WHORE”, and “SLUT” across my windows. The “OREO” comment was directed at the fact that you’re biracial. I cleaned most of it off so it was at least unreadable before I left. I really just want things to get back to normal.

When I arrived I plastered my best “I’m fine and life is great” smile across my face and walked in with my head held high. I was terrified of what this day was going to bring, but no one else needed to know that. I kept repeating in my head, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Immediately, I was confronted with my peers giving me looks of hate, pity, curiosity, and a few smiles of encouragement. (Those smiles only came from a hand full of friends.) I had thought all about how this pregnancy would change my body, my future, my life; but I hadn’t thought about how it would drastically change the way others treated me.

I wandered from class to class numbly taking in the murmur of gossip that engulfed the halls as I walked down them. Everyone knew, even the teachers. I was asked to come to office 4^th hour. I had no idea why. Were they going to give me detention for being pregnant? I wished they would just expel me and let me finish high school in some “alternative” school. I wish they still sent girls away to have their babies with nuns in unwed mother homes. Everyone could think I went to visit and “Aunt” and then I would avoid all of this tortuous ridicule. They called me into the vice principal’s office (I have never even had a detention before). He told me there was talk of some girls planning to beat me up. I stared at him with shocked confusion. I have never been in a fight; I don’t even know how to fight. He told me I could start coming to school later and leaving my classes earlier to avoid running into any of these girls in the halls. Those girls can give me a black eye or a fat lip, it won’t touch the pain I’m going through inside.

When classmates ask what my plans are for you, I tell them I’ll be giving you up for adoption. Most seem very uncomfortable with my answer. They look at me like I’m heartless, selfish, or strange. Hardly anyone thinks it’s a good idea, or I’m making the right decision. But I don’t care. I know I’m not ready for you in any way! We both deserve so much more!

I saw a group of pregnant girls at my school today. They were smiling, laughing, proudly showing off their swollen belly, and discussing baby names; it disgusted me! How can they be happy about this? Don’t they realize their life is over? I get making the best out of a situation, but I can’t be excited about you. How can they? Am I missing some mother gene? One of the pregnant girls even came up to me and asked if I was going to be in the pre-parenting class with all the other mom’s to be. I looked at her, stunned, and said, “Absolutely not! I’m not going to be this baby’s parent.” I think she hates me now. I hate me now!

My only relief from this unrelenting nightmare is sleep. Every day I can’t wait to crawl in bed, go to sleep, and forget all about you. How can something the size of an apple cause so much trouble? Maybe tomorrow will be better. Now it’s time to go to sleep. Thank God! Can’t I just sleep through the next 5 months?

Love,

Amanda