Dear Graysie:

I'm feeling very guilty right now. I'm feeling guilty that I have three kids and am absolutely enjoying parenting when so many of our friends have tried and tried and are not getting pregnant. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I need to let their ridicule of my consecutive pregnancies roll off my back, and yet I still can't help but feel guilty.

One set of friends has gotten pregnant multiple times and yet they continue to lose the pregnancies. They cry every time they are around your brothers and sisters and it makes me not only feel guilty but also I have stopped wanting them around. I haven't ever experienced losing a baby and I hope I never have to. This same set of friends is thinking they may adopt and yet they continue to "shop" birth parents like they are God himself trying to form their "perfect" family. They want a baby who will look just like them, I say often that I am sure daddy never guessed he'd have pale skinned, blue eyed kids and yet he does. God just gives you what he wants to give you and it makes me sad for them that they may be missing out on the baby God intends for them.

Another set of our friends is convinced they deserve children more than we do and for that they are bitter towards us. They continually say it's not fair that they don't have a baby and we do because they have done things "right". I guess they don't think we have somehow? I suggest adoption to them and they tell me they could never be a baby "stealer", my heart hurts that they may miss out on parenting all together.

Many more friends struggle and many more times I suggest adoption to them. Some of their answers are disheartening,some angering, some selfish and at this point we don't have a clue you will be in our lives. I'm defensive of their answers and I don't even know why. I will use all of these feelings and revelations when we finally find out about you and decide to adopt you. I will know how they "really" feel about adoption and bi-racial kids before I end up putting you, our spunky girl, in the care of someone who looks at you so differently than I'd ever want for you.

So, right now I am feeling guilty and yet in the long run I will be ever so grateful for these times of heart to heart talks with the ones who are closest to us. Grateful, because in a matter of months we will need to know who is 100% supportive of one of the biggest decisions of our lives.

I love you forever,

Mommy