Dear Graysie,

I knew I was pregnant for about 2 hours when I decided it was imperative that I tell my mother. I was sitting in Lauren’s kitchen in a daze when suddenly I thought: I NEED TO TELL MY MOM! I frantically told Lauren we had to go to my parent’s house. We jumped into my blue Cavalier for the 8 minute drive to tell my mom the news I knew would destroy her. The loneliness of my new reality was starting to creep in and replace the fogginess that filled my brain.

I have always been very close with my mom. I know she loves me, I know she would keep me safe, I know she wants the best for me, and I know I can trust her with anything. Whether it’s a big fight with a friend, or a teacher that had treated me unfairly, my mom has always made things better. I was hoping this time wouldn’t be so different; maybe she could swoop in and fix this massive mess.

As we pulled up to my parents house I realized my mom’s car was not there. I walked in and numbly asked my dad when my mom would be home. He said it would be shortly and Lauren and I retreated to my bed room. The feeling to purge this horrid secret became more and more unbearable as I waited for her to return. As soon as I heard her car pull into the drive way I rushed downstairs and met my mom at the door way. I calmly asked her to come up to my room for a chat. “Chat” was sooooo not a good word for the heartrending conversation we were about to have….

My mom walked into my lavender painted bedroom and sat on the window seat. As soon as the door was securely shut the hopelessness of my situation hit me and uncontrollable sobs wracked my body. I cried out “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please, please don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me, I’m pregnant. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”

I could handle her being angry. I could handle her being disappointed. But I couldn’t handle her hating me as much as I hate myself. She held me tight and promised she could never hate me. I could see the pain in her eyes, but I know it’s not pain for herself; it’s pain for me and what I have and will have to suffer through.

After I finished tearfully informing her all the information I know about you, we figured we have about 5 months until you’re here. My mom brought up giving you up for adoption. That way I can give you the life that you deserve and I still get the life that I deserve. In about 5 months everything will go back to exactly as it was before. I will graduate high school, go on to college, and end up with some amazing career. I will never have to become the single teenage mom who survives off welfare and lives in my parent’s basement. In 5 months I can forget all about you and this atrocious nightmare.

I can survive the next 5 months. I will get through this, I HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS!

Love, Amanda

P.S I am so exhausted! I’m spending the night at Lauren’s house tonight; I don’t want to be there when my mom tells my dad. After we got back in my car I remembered I forgot my backpack. Before I opened the front door, I saw my mom collapse into violent sobs. My 2 hour old secret has destroyed her. I have to keep telling myself that this is only temporary. Only 5 months and then everything will be exactly the same, right?