Dear Graysie,

Monday came too fast! The 2:55 school bell also came too fast. EVERYTHING is coming TOO FAST. It’s time to face what I had been trying to deny for months! I drive my blue Cavalier to the unremarkable office complex that holds the free clinic. I feel dirty even being in this parking lot. I didn’t even know things like “free clinics” existed until yesterday. I sign in and lie about not having insurance. A pudgy nurse ushers me to a lab where they take blood from my arm. I’m taken to Room #3 to wait for my test results. The nurse comes back 10 minutes later and politely tells me I’m pregnant. I politely smile back and say “Thank you”.

I drive to Lauren’s house. My mind is blank. I calmly tell Lauren I’m pregnant. I would rather tell her I have cancer, I’m being arrested, or joining a cult, anything besides being pregnant. I’m not a dumb girl. I’m not romanticizing the thought of being pregnant or having a baby. I don’t think anything good can come out of this. I do not love this baby, I do not want this baby, but I will have this baby. What I do after I have this baby, I don’t know.

Love, Amanda