Dear Graysie

Wow! We are having a huge baby boom at church!

We belong to a very small church that daddy has gone to for many years. Even though their is only about sixty people who attend, we are expecting 8 new babies. It seems like every time I turn around someone else is announcing they are pregnant. Some of our friends who have much older kids, and have announced for years that they were done having children, are even pregnant. It seems a little strange to be the only one not expecting a baby. I almost feel like an outsider.

I keep smiling and rubbing it in that I don't have morning sickness like they do. I keep saying I can have as much caffeine as I want. I relish in the fact that I no longer need to be taking the giant prenatal vitamins they are all gagging down each morning. I'm not tired, I get to "have my body back", I'm not nauseated, no monthly doctor's appointments, and many other positives of not having to be pregnant.

Even though I keep smiling I have a definite tugging inside telling me that maybe we rushed our decision to not ever have any more kids. We really made an important decision in a very short amount of time. A decision I am worried I will regret sooner than later. Funny that my conversations have nothing to do with not having more children, but instead they have everything to do with not being pregnant again. I somehow have a sudden burning desire to be a mommy again.I keep putting these feelings behind me every time they crop up because I assume I am just wanting to be part of the pregnant crowd at church. As much as I am trying to get the thought of having another child out of my head for some reason it just keeps cropping up. I don't know why, its a bit silly since Mihya is still an infant and daddy and I have already decided we will forever be a family of five. I never acknowledge that the only way to be a mommy again without being pregnant is through adoption.

Right now all I can do is secretly regret what I am now considering to be a hasty, poorly planned decision. Little do I know this is just another preparation of my mind for you.

I love you forever!

Mommy