Dear Graysie,

It was just suppose to be a night with good friends and great music but it all went terribly wrong… The concert was so much fun! Way better than I expected!! After it ended, we headed back to my friend’s house to spend the night. I was already in bed when my friend said there was someone in the basement that wanted to talk to me. I was not expecting it to be the person it was, the person I only knew by name. My naïve 17 year old self walked into a sickening situation I couldn’t get out of. It left me feeling empty, disgusted, dirty, humiliated, confused, terrified, and then very very numb.

I have a secret that I’ve kept from just about everyone except Lauren. I’ve been trying very hard to forget that horrible night, but I just can’t. Now, I fear I will have a reminder of that horrible incident forever, you.

Could I really be pregnant though? I did throw up my cereal one morning, but that was just once. Is that morning sickness? My periods can sometimes be irregular; I’ve skipped a month before. Isn’t that normal? My stomach is still flat. Wouldn’t I be showing? I don’t have weird cravings. Wouldn’t I be super hungry? I just don’t think it’s possible. But this nagging fear won’t go away!

It’s already been 3 months. I really just need to find out the truth, but I’m too scared to face it. How could God let this happen to me? Why did that night ever happen to me? Why didn’t I just stay home like my mom wanted me to? WHY, WHY, WHY?

I’ll wait a couple more weeks. I’m sure my period will return. I just need to relax and stop worrying. God wouldn’t let this happen to me. This is just like a nightmare, I’ll wake up soon. Right?

Love, Amanda