Dear Graysie

We just got back from an amazing time with Amanda. We had planned this last night, and although it feels like an eternity ago, it has only been 24 hours since we met her…..and you.

We picked Amanda up at R & G's house this afternoon and headed to the baby store. Amanda is leaving to go back to Kansas in a few days but we really wanted her to be a part of helping decorate your nursery. This is one of the first times I realize how opposite that we are from each other. Amanda wants your room to be pink and frilly. My eye scans towards the taupe's and mauve's. I like wood furniture and she loves the white. I don't express much of my opinion, because I know at this point, after having three babies already, that the decorated nursery is not even the surface of whats to come. Amanda actually chooses an adorable set that is light purple and lime green. It is far from the one I would have chosen but I love it because she picked it especially for you. I decide that I will just focus on painting the walls lime green and accessorize with the other pastel colors, so it will be more my style. Ironically, it was less than a year ago when I was doing all of this for Mihya, which helps me be more relaxed about whatever Amanda chooses.

During our time at the baby store I see Amanda's mothering instinct. Mihya intrigues her and she really has a hard time not talking, touching and playing with her. She offers to hold her and totes her in and out of the car. She smiles when strangers compliment how precious your brother and sisters are, as if she has formed a bond to them already. Mihya always gets car sick and this trip to the baby store is no different. Mihya throws up in the store and Amanda doesn't do what most teenagers her age would do. No, Amanda rushes to help and holds Mihya while I clean up the cart and the floor from the mess. My heart can't help but sink at the thought that she would be a good mom to you. How hard this must be for her. It is clear she adores kids.

The one thing that doesn't match up to her actions is her words. When i ask about you kicking she shrugs her shoulders like she doesn't know. When she refers to you, she calls you "it". Part of me is defensive because she is so disassociated. I want her to love you. I want to see that she cares. I need to know that she's attached enough to want to continue a relationship with you once you are born, but I don't see any sign of that. I am fearful for this "open" adoption.

When we leave the baby store we take the kids to stay with Grandy and Grampy so we can have some time alone with Amanda. We go out to dinner with the intention to talk more about the future and our plans for your adoption. Daddy is his normal self and asks a lot of questions to find out how Amanda is doing emotionally. She seems like a rock. It never sounds like her mind goes to any other option but to adoption. She says she knows it would not be fair for her to keep you. She loves you way to much to struggle as a single mom. She mentions another girl she knows at school who is pregnant and will be keeping her baby. I can't help but think of how hard that will be for Amanda to see while you are not with her. I realize from being a mommy already the emotions that take over the first time you lay eyes on your baby and I wonder if Amanda is prepared for that.

The day was amazing. It was a great time to learn more about Amanda, her pregnancy, and her intentions for your future and our open adoption. I'm getting more and more excited. Nine weeks will come quickly, although it can't come soon enough.

I love you forever!

Mommy