Dear Graysie,

I go back to Kansas tomorrow. I’ve really loved my time here in Colorado! Part of me wants to stay; I would love to help paint your room, pick out baby clothes, and spend more time with Josh, Ambyr, and their family. But another part of me in anxious to get home; I miss my family and friends. I’m torn and I have a feeling I will be torn the rest of my life….

I truly believe God’s perfect plan was for me to “find” Josh and Ambyr. I truly believe they are the perfect fit, not only you, but for me as well. I truly believe they will be amazing parents and you will have an awesome family. I truly believe placing you in their loving, stable, happy family is the right choice. But “truly believing” all of this just cements the fact that I will never be your mother. “Truly believing” all of this does not take away the pain that losing a child will bring.

I’m scared that losing you will haunt me the rest of my life. I’m terrified I will spend eternity with a big gaping hole in my heart and that only you can fill. Keeping you would be much easier for me, but it wouldn’t be right for you.

I will always be immensely thankful for Ambyr and Josh, but I will never be happy you’re not with me.

Love, Amanda