Dear Graysie,

I’m so bored! I spend my days waiting…. I wait for my parents to come home from work, I wait for my friends to get out of school, I wait for my doctor’s appointments, I wait for contractions, I wait for your arrival, and mostly I wait for my life back. I feel like a prisoner in my own body and my punishment is waiting.

I’ve never really been one to “sleep in” so I’m usually up by 7:30 a.m. This makes my day very long. I get excited when I wake up and it’s 8:00, or better yet 8:30, because at least it’s an extra hour I don’t have to be waiting. After I get up, I make my way downstairs to eat breakfast. I try to take my time eating my bowl of cereal or piece of toast; anything to make the time go by. I then turn on TLC and catch at least one Baby Story, it’s my research for your birth. By the time my “research and preparation time” is over it’s around 9:00 a.m. I make my way back upstairs and take a shower, do my makeup, hair, and get dressed. I can usually stretch out “getting ready” to 2 hours. By 11:00 I’m ready to go to the gym. Now I’m sure getting ready for 2 hours and then going to the gym sounds ridiculous, but I have about 6 weeks of time to kill. At the gym, I ride on the elliptical for 30-45 minutes; I’ve asked my doctor and she’s reassured me (and my mother) that this is perfectly safe for you. I end my “gym time” with a cool down of walking on the tread mill for about 15 minutes. By now its 12:30 and I only have 2.5 hours to go until my friends are out of school. I drive back home and eat lunch. After lunch I watch another Baby Story; you can’t be too prepared for birthing a baby. It’s 2:00 by now and I usually try to lie down for 30 minutes. I attempt to nap, but most of the time I just lie there waiting for “nap time” to be over with. I then read for awhile (I LOVE to read; novels, magazines, almanacs, encyclopedias, even the back of a shampoo bottle). I spend my last 15 minutes of “waiting” touching up my makeup and hair. By 3:00 I’m out the door and on my way to Lauren’s house. If she has something to do, then I wait until my mom get’s home from work around 4.

My evenings are not quite as structured. They are easy to fill and are normally spent hanging out with friends, watching tv, eating dinner with my parents, or playing Yatzi with my family. By 10:00 p.m I’m in bed and hopefully sleeping. Night time is great! For 8-10 hours I don’t have to consciously wait on anything. I’ve never really looked forward to bed time, but currently it’s my only escape from my torturously boring reality.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie:

This waiting game is slowly going to kill me! Obviously, I am not “bored”, how could I be with your brother and sisters here as my responsibility? It’s a different kind of wait than I’ve ever had before. This wait isn’t like when I was pregnant, no, it’s much different. This is a nervous kind of wait. When I was pregnant I knew that when I was done waiting I’d (God willing) have a beautiful baby to bring home from the hospital. With this waiting game their really isn’t a garauntee for us, and yet, we have already poured our hearts into loving you. Again, I am all to aware that Amanda can and has every right to change her mind.

I’m anticipating a really great evening that will keep my mind off of waiting for you for just a few hours. Tonight Grandy and Grampy are coming over to paint your bedroom and get everything prepared for you. Your big sister, Emma, is thrilled because we told her she gets to help paint too. I am painting a color I have NEVER EVER even considered to paint on the walls of our house. I am trying to be thoughtful and considerate of Amanda and the role she will play in your life. I know she will love that I have chosen violet and lime green for your wall colors. Unlike with your brother and sister though, I am very insecure about how this is going to turn out. I don’t want to let Amanda down, I feel like it is a great honor that she is trusting me with this. Although I need to not worry about this so much because I do realize that she is trusting me with much much more.......YOU! As much as she is wrapped up in how your room looks and what clothes you’ll be wearing I also know that she is struggling with much more important things and that calms me for the time.

It’s going to be a fun night, but I will have Amanda on my mind for sure!

I love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

Today I flew home to Kansas. It was my first flight all by myself! I was so nervous I drank 4 cranberry juices really fast and then felt really nauseous the rest of the way home. I’m lucky it’s only a 90 min flight!

My parents were waiting at the gates and you could tell they were very excited to have me back. My mom said I look really healthy, that I have the pregnancy “glow”, and that I finally look pregnant. All I heard is “You look fat!” Yuck! Not what I wanted to hear. I know she meant it in a nice way, but the last thing I want to look like is pregnant! I’m almost 8 months along, and I know that logically I should “look” like I’m very pregnant. I also know it wouldn’t be healthy for you if I didn’t gain an appropriate amount of weight (I’ve already gained 12 lbs!). But, “looking” pregnant makes it so public. Hiding you behind big sweaters or oversized sweat shirts is my protection from curious, judgmental, pity filled eyes.

After leaving the airport, my parents took me to a late lunch and I told them all about my stay in Colorado. I gushed about how amazing your “parents to be” were, and how I already adored your “soon to be” brother and sisters. I described how gigantic yet homey your new home is, how adorable your lavender and lime green baby quilt is, how massive your Great Dane puppy Jack is, how your neighborhood looks picture perfect, and how you already have a swing set and trampoline waiting for you in your backyard. I told them that your life will be prefect because Ambyr, Josh, Emma, Kaidon, and Mihya are the perfect family that God has chosen for you.

My parents seem relieved that we have found your family. They plan on meeting Ambyr and Josh in a couple of weeks. I know they will love them as much as I do!

Love,

Amanda

Dear Graysie

Amanda left for Kansas today. We didn't hear from her and honestly we never got her phone number to be able to call her either. It is hard to say everything that I want to say or ask of her right now. I'm hopeful that in time it will get easier.

I'm struggling between many emotions but especially with paranoia. We have already made a space in our hearts for you. I already fear that we could lose you. Amanda has no obligation to us and has every right to change her mind, but it would absolutely crush us at this point.

I've busied myself with calls. Calls to attorneys, calls to counselors, call to social workers, calls to adoption agencies, calls to friends and calls to family. What I've found out is that this process may not be as easy as we had expected. The good news is that it can be done, and we have many choices

Our most pressing choice is which state we want our adoption to be finalized in. Adoptions vary greatly from state to state and therefore I've researched all options available in both. One of the biggest differences for us is that in Colorado it takes many months for you to be truly ours. In Kansas it takes just 30 days. The biggest difference for Amanda is that in Colorado she would have to go in front of the judge a few times and tell him that she still wanted to give you up for adoption. I just can't imagine putting her through that, so we've decided that Kansas would be our best choice for both of us. Now, all we need to do is find an attorney who can help.

With our new decision to finalize through Kansas, I have a great deal of planning to do. I need to be sure that when Amanda goes into labor we are ready with a babysitter who can watch your brother and sisters. We are needing to travel to Kansas a couple of times to meet with counselors and attorneys too. I have so much to do and yet it exhilarating just knowing that soon you will be our baby. Besides, I'm looking forward to spending time withAmanda so I can someday tell you all about her!!

I love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I go back to Kansas tomorrow. I’ve really loved my time here in Colorado! Part of me wants to stay; I would love to help paint your room, pick out baby clothes, and spend more time with Josh, Ambyr, and their family. But another part of me in anxious to get home; I miss my family and friends. I’m torn and I have a feeling I will be torn the rest of my life….

I truly believe God’s perfect plan was for me to “find” Josh and Ambyr. I truly believe they are the perfect fit, not only you, but for me as well. I truly believe they will be amazing parents and you will have an awesome family. I truly believe placing you in their loving, stable, happy family is the right choice. But “truly believing” all of this just cements the fact that I will never be your mother. “Truly believing” all of this does not take away the pain that losing a child will bring.

I’m scared that losing you will haunt me the rest of my life. I’m terrified I will spend eternity with a big gaping hole in my heart and that only you can fill. Keeping you would be much easier for me, but it wouldn’t be right for you.

I will always be immensely thankful for Ambyr and Josh, but I will never be happy you’re not with me.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

Amanda leaves for Kansas tomorrow. I wish we had more time to spend together getting to know each other and talking about our plans for you. I wish I could stare at her little baby bump for the next nine weeks just knowing you, my baby, is growing. I wish we could tell her to stay with us so I could be sure to have her eating nutritious food and getting plenty of rest. I wish I could talk with her for hours just about her life and her friends and her childhood and her pregnancy.

On the other hand, I have so much to do and only nine weeks to do it. I haven't even started paperwork or researching exactly what we need to do. I know that adoption can be expensive but I am expecting the cost to be minimal because we have found each other and we aren't having to involve an agency. I am going to call around to attorneys first thing in the morning. Although we've found your bedding and all your decorations and furniture I had already gotten rid of all the baby stuff from your brother and sisters and I need to start preparing for your arrival. I am going to be busy.

I am telling people that this nine weeks is going to fly by. I am telling people that I have so much to do and so little time. I'm telling people all of this not because I believe it, but because I'm trying to convince myself that this next nine weeks will go fast. I am anxious and this will be totally agonizing waiting for you to arrive.

I love you forever

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I spent the entire day with Ambyr, Josh, and their children: Emma, Kaidon, and Mihya. My time with them was AMAZING! They make me feel so welcomed and comfortable. They treat me like I’m their family! I truly believe this is God’s perfect plan! You will have a wonderful family!

Our first stop was “Babies R Us”. I still can’t believe they let ME pick out your crib bedding and nursery décor. I took this responsibility VERY seriously! I not only want you to love it, but I really want them to be pleased as well. I immediately think PINK, PINK, PINK! But then I remember Mihya’s nursery, it’s done in neutrals. Maybe Ambyr is not a pink person? Then I saw the perfect choice, a shabby chic style baby quilt in lavender and lime green. I adore it!

Then it was time to choose your crib. Once again, they let ME pick it out! My eyes went straight to the white cribs. They look so fresh and cheery! I want your room to have the same ambiance as a bright spring morning: full of joy and evoking a feeling like your day is full of endless spectacular possibilities.

They have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to choose what your nursery would look like. It made me feel included in your future. It made me feel like I added something beautiful to your life. It made me feel hopeful. Even though it’s just fabric and wood I wanted to make the perfect choice because I want your life to be perfect and filled with happiness! And if the only way I can express that is by filling your room with bright purples and greens, I will thankfully take it.

Love,

Amanda

P.S I have so much more to tell you about my day with your “forever family” but I’ll save the rest for tomorrow

Dear Graysie

We just got back from an amazing time with Amanda. We had planned this last night, and although it feels like an eternity ago, it has only been 24 hours since we met her…..and you.

We picked Amanda up at R & G's house this afternoon and headed to the baby store. Amanda is leaving to go back to Kansas in a few days but we really wanted her to be a part of helping decorate your nursery. This is one of the first times I realize how opposite that we are from each other. Amanda wants your room to be pink and frilly. My eye scans towards the taupe's and mauve's. I like wood furniture and she loves the white. I don't express much of my opinion, because I know at this point, after having three babies already, that the decorated nursery is not even the surface of whats to come. Amanda actually chooses an adorable set that is light purple and lime green. It is far from the one I would have chosen but I love it because she picked it especially for you. I decide that I will just focus on painting the walls lime green and accessorize with the other pastel colors, so it will be more my style. Ironically, it was less than a year ago when I was doing all of this for Mihya, which helps me be more relaxed about whatever Amanda chooses.

During our time at the baby store I see Amanda's mothering instinct. Mihya intrigues her and she really has a hard time not talking, touching and playing with her. She offers to hold her and totes her in and out of the car. She smiles when strangers compliment how precious your brother and sisters are, as if she has formed a bond to them already. Mihya always gets car sick and this trip to the baby store is no different. Mihya throws up in the store and Amanda doesn't do what most teenagers her age would do. No, Amanda rushes to help and holds Mihya while I clean up the cart and the floor from the mess. My heart can't help but sink at the thought that she would be a good mom to you. How hard this must be for her. It is clear she adores kids.

The one thing that doesn't match up to her actions is her words. When i ask about you kicking she shrugs her shoulders like she doesn't know. When she refers to you, she calls you "it". Part of me is defensive because she is so disassociated. I want her to love you. I want to see that she cares. I need to know that she's attached enough to want to continue a relationship with you once you are born, but I don't see any sign of that. I am fearful for this "open" adoption.

When we leave the baby store we take the kids to stay with Grandy and Grampy so we can have some time alone with Amanda. We go out to dinner with the intention to talk more about the future and our plans for your adoption. Daddy is his normal self and asks a lot of questions to find out how Amanda is doing emotionally. She seems like a rock. It never sounds like her mind goes to any other option but to adoption. She says she knows it would not be fair for her to keep you. She loves you way to much to struggle as a single mom. She mentions another girl she knows at school who is pregnant and will be keeping her baby. I can't help but think of how hard that will be for Amanda to see while you are not with her. I realize from being a mommy already the emotions that take over the first time you lay eyes on your baby and I wonder if Amanda is prepared for that.

The day was amazing. It was a great time to learn more about Amanda, her pregnancy, and her intentions for your future and our open adoption. I'm getting more and more excited. Nine weeks will come quickly, although it can't come soon enough.

I love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I’m anxiously waiting for my visit with Ambyr and Josh! Once again, I’m excited, nervous, and very eager to meet with them! I think today will be spent just getting to know them and their children better. I’m not totally sure what the day will bring….

I have been thinking more and more about how I want our “open adoption” to be. I guess the first place to start is your birth. I feel that if it’s possible, it’s important that Ambyr be in the room for your birth. She is going to be your mother and she deserves to see her child’s first moments. I’m not sure exactly how all of that will work with them being in Colorado and me delivering you in Kansas? But, I’m sure there is some way to make it work. Also, I definitely want to spend time with you in the hospital but I also want them involved. I think it’s essential that we all have the opportunity to bond with you your first few days of life. Is this how normal open adoptions work? Or am I asking too much? I’m really not sure.

I’m certain our hospital stay will go by really fast. I know my parents and brothers will want to spend time with you. I also know that my grandparents, aunts, and even some cousins plan on visiting you. Even a few close friends of mine plan to stop by so they can hold you! There are lots of people who want to meet you! It’s so sad to think that they have to say “hello” and “goodbye forever” in one brief visit….

I hope that Ambyr and Josh will send me tons of pictures. I hope that I will be able to visit once or twice a year. I hope I can send you gifts and even notes. I hope I can come to your first birthday. I hope I can see you dance in a dance recital or score a goal in a soccer game. I hope so many things. Am I hoping too much? Are there really open adoptions this open?

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

It's a new day and my head is still spinning with the whole idea of adoption and infertility and babies and the future. Last night when Amanda left we made plans to meet with her later this afternoon for a special outing. It seems like everything is happening so fast and yet I wouldn't slow it down for anything!

I quickly mention to daddy what has been filling my head. Daddy agrees disappointingly that we've got to at least put Amanda's story out there to our friends. We've got to at least share what we know and from there it is up to them and Amanda, not us.

I pick up the phone and start to dial, although I don't make it through all the digits and hang up. I do this several times before handing this now dauntingly emotional task over to daddy. Daddy calls the few people we know and I can't even stay in the room because I don't want to hear if someone wants to consider it. I do listen intently from the other room because I can't stand not to. Daddy gets a lot of questions but they are not the type of questions I was predicting would come from people who so desperately are awaiting children. They are questions like what color hair does Amanda have? What is her weight like? Has she had any prenatal care? Is she on drugs? Is the baby Caucasian? Does she have any STD's? How long will we have to stay in contact with her? So many seemingly meaningless questions in my opinion.

The questions continue and although a part of me is angry and saddened by our friends unwillingness to accept any baby as their own, I am elated as the phone calls continue in this manner because it means we are just one step closer to making you ours. When daddy finishes these calls, I am overwhelmed.

My cries turn into sobs at the idea that if this works out for us, we may be fighting an uphill battle. What will it take to get our friends to understand how perfect you are? I feel judged and helpless. Some of them have condemned the thought of you and they only know your race. Some of them have talked down the idea of us wanting you by telling us it wouldn't be fair if you didn't look like the rest of us. Other's have made it clear that they would disagree with the open adoption option. some disregard adoption altogether, calling it inhumane. Even with all this negativity being poured into our lives, I'm fearfully convinced we are meant to be your parents and I know by looking into your daddy's eyes, he is convinced too!

I love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

Feelings of excitement, joy, and relief have flooded my heart and mind. Meeting with Ambyr and Josh has given me so much hope for your future and mine! I’m sure this “high on life” feeling will pass and the reality that I’m one step closer to giving you up forever will sink in. But for now, I’m enjoying this “high”.

Ambyr’s first question to me was if I wanted an open adoption. Yes! Of course I want an open adoption. Then she asked what my expectations were for our open adoption. I froze. I don’t have a clue! I’ve never known anyone who has given their child up for adoption, let alone an open adoption. I didn’t even know open adoption existed until a few months ago. I know they are going to want some answers on how I want our “open adoption” to look. I really didn’t think I would be able to have any input on how “open” I wanted your adoption to be. I have a lot to think about!

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

I just woke up in a panic! This could be happening……. this could be real! I got so caught up in the excitement of it all, that I didn't even stop to think about all the people around me who are struggling with infertility and desperately want children. How will I tell them? How will they feel? Am I being selfish to want another baby? Should I ask them if they want to meet Amanda? Maybe she'd rather have one of them be your parents anyway. Maybe they'd be better for you since none of them have children yet. Should we even be doing this? Are we crazy?

I've laid awake half the night wondering what is the best way to do this. Should I be calling the people who are closest to us and asking them? Would we be better off just telling them our plans? Maybe we shouldn't even mention it until things are closer to being finalized. I'm literally sick with worry and scared of the reactions we may get.

After much deliberation in my own mind, I decide it will be best to tell each friend about you and Amanda. I decide that daddy and I can tell Amanda's story to them. We will tell the story up until the point where we said we wanted you. We will tell the story to see if maybe any of them ask to meet Amanda on their own. If they don't, we will continue to pursue this adoption. Yes, that's what I think we should do. It's what I'd want a friend to do if I were the one wanting children and they knew of a baby available. It's the "right" thing to do and yet, I feel a sudden pang of sadness just thinking that maybe you won't be my baby after all. What if someone else wants you? What if Amanda decides we're not the "ones"? I've already fallen in love with you. I'd be devastated!

I cannot worry anymore tonight, I need to sleep for a big day tomorrow.

I love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

It’s the middle of the night, and even though I’m beyond exhausted I feel so full of excitement and hope that I can’t sleep a wink. Today my prayers were answered! Today God’s perfect plan for my life and most importantly yours were revealed to me….
I woke up this morning anxious and energized; today I was going to Denver to meet Ambyr and Josh! I put on my favorite red sweater, best black pants, and made sure my hair and makeup was just right. I wanted to make the best impression I could!
The drive to Denver was full of grassy hills and dense pine trees. I enjoyed the scenery so much we were there before I knew it! R and G took me to lunch and then we went furniture shopping. As we wondered around Ethan Allen and Pottery Barn I was growing more and more nervous about meeting Ambyr and Josh. What if they didn’t like me? What if I wasn’t pretty enough? What if I wasn’t smart enough?

It was dark by the time we arrived at Ambyr and Josh’s home. I couldn’t see much except that the house looked huge! I slowly made my way up to their front door and knocked softly. Josh flung the door open with Ambyr by his side. They greeted me and I instantly felt calm and confident. Their home, although large, felt warm and inviting. I met their 3 small children. Each was ridiculously cute and had delightful little personalities. After only spending 10 minutes with their children I not only adored them but knew they were well behaved, happy, and loved. The kids went upstairs to play while Ambyr, Josh and I sat down to talk.

Ambyr immediately asked me if I wanted an open adoption and I immediately told her yes. She seemed as relieved and I did. We then went through all the basic information: when your due date is, how your health is, your gender, etc. They also asked me what my expectations are for an open adoption. I wasn’t sure how to answer this question. I don’t want to say the wrong things to “scare” them off and I don’t know how much or how little I want to be in your life. I’ll have to think about this one.

When I left their home I just knew this is the right family for you. This is where you’re supposed to be. I know they will love you and allow me to be involved in your life. I’m not sure how I can feel so confident after only meeting with them for less than an hour, but in my heart I just know this is the right and perfect choice for you!

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie

I finally got to meet you today.

Daddy and I had R & G bring Amanda over so we could meet her and discuss her plans for your future. I am nervous and yet your daddy is as calm as he always is in situations like this. All day I've done the "what if...." and "what about...." questions that always seems to overwhelm my thoughts in stressful situations. I was pretty sure I had all the questions laid out that I wanted to ask Amanda when the doorbell finally rang and she was standing on the front porch.

When I opened the door I was amazed that it was the same girl I had seen at family camp. It was the girl I had wished I had talked to, the same girl my insides tugged at me to go meet but never did. She is still as beautiful as I remembered and by looking at her you'd never know she was just 9 weeks from delivering her first baby. I quickly do the math in my head to figure out if she was pregnant at camp, and realize that she was. We welcomed her in the door and sat in the living room to start our heavy conversation. I have fears and doubts and insecurities about how this should go. This is not something I could have planned for, and yet, I still feel like I am totally unprepared for what should come. We have some small talk and out of nowhere I ask her "Are you willing to have an open adoption?" As quickly as it comes out, I want to take it back. Amanda almost looks relieved and answers me by saying that she would prefer to have an open adoption. From there the conversation goes smoothly and centers around Amanda's plans, hopes, and desires for the rest of her pregnancy and for your future. I can tell she loves you already and wants the best for you.

I end up taking Amanda around the house to show her that we have space for you. In my mind I continue doing the math regarding her pregnancy and family camp, and keep getting the same result as before, but I am amazed that maybe that is why I felt drawn to her. This may have been the plan all along! As I'm showing her the house she asks me one question, that as silly as it is, I never thought about. Amanda asked me "where's it's room going to be?" I pause at the question and fumble around with my answer as I think out loud and answer her. I tell her "I guess we'll have the baby right here across the hall from our room in what is now our craft area for the kids" I'm not fully convinced of that plan, just because it is right next to the office and may not be the best place for a napping baby. What I don't want to admit out loud at this point though, is that I don't know where a baby room will be because we've only had this on our minds for less than 24 hours, which didn't give me a lot of prep time for all the little details. As a matter of fact, what I don't realize, is that the next 9 weeks will be the same and it will give me little time to think about details.

By the time Amanda left our house tonight, we'd all pretty much agreed on the fact that we will be your mommy and daddy. Amanda seems confident in her decision to place you for adoption and Daddy and I are overjoyed that she has chosen us. It is a huge life change for all of us, and yet, we all seem to have a quiet confidence regarding the future.

Tomorrow we are planning on having a very important outing with Amanda, I can't wait to go and to tell you all about it.

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I’m still in Colorado! Every day I’m gaining strength and peace about my adoption plans. All of my family here (and back home) supports my decision to place you in an adoptive family. They know I’m making this decision out of love. This brings me to my amazing news…. I think I might have found your adoptive family, your forever family (I like that term better)!

My cousins R and G (they live in Denver, R is my aunt’s son and G is his wife; very nice couple! ) know a couple named Josh and Ambyr . They want to meet me, to find out more about you! What’s even more crazy and incredible is that Josh and Ambyr were at church camp this summer, when I was there! What’s even crazier is that as soon as my Aunt S said there was a couple, friends of R and G, I immediately knew who that couple was. Without seeing a picture or even hearing their name, their charming little family popped into my head! Just to confirm my thoughts my Aunt S whipped out a picture of them and it was the same family that I was picturing! I remember exactly who they are! I think it’s a God thing! They had two charming toddlers, a girl and a boy, and a delightful little baby, also a girl. WOW! You might have 2 sisters and a brother! They seemed like the perfect family! Could it really be possible that I have found your adoptive family without even looking?!?! This just feels so right! I think this just might be God’s perfect plan for you and for me. R and G are taking me to meet your possible “forever family” tomorrow. I’m so excited, anxious, nervous, hopeful, terrified, and optimistic.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie:

God dropped a baby on our doorstep just like daddy had mentioned at our bible study not even 24 hrs. ago!

Let me explain. Our friend R, whom we've known for 5 years was with daddy today. They have been in some sort of business venture together since the time they met and R has just gotten into real estate. Daddy is helping him learn the business and so he was going on a listing appointment with him. As they were driving down the road talking about life R mentioned to daddy that his young cousin, Amanda, was here staying because she was going through some hard times. Having a heart for youth daddy asked what exactly she was dealing with. R told daddy that she was pregnant and was looking to give the baby up for adoption. Daddy was shocked. R and daddy talked some more and before they knew it daddy was calling me.

I was home taking care of our house and hanging out with my neighbor Pam. She was over and the kids were in the backyard playing. Our phone rang and it was your daddy. I was expecting him to be calling to tell me he was running late, he ran out of gas, or even to ask if we had plans or not to be able to go out to dinner with R & G; but instead I got the shock of my life! Your daddy, the one who was totally against adoption less than 24 hrs. ago, was calling to ask me if I'd like to meet Amanda who was giving her baby up for adoption. I had no words, I was officially speechless. I think I fumbled around asking questions about who and why and when. I hung up the phone and in an absolute emotion between shock, panic and excitement I told Pam what was going on. In minutes Pam had left and I started calling Grandy and anyone else I could think of. Since daddy was in his appointment and I couldn't talk to him in more detail, I had a million questions that were unanswered.

Once daddy got back home he gave me some more details. He knew you were going to be biracial, he knew Amanda had not been on drugs, he knew there was no boyfriend in the mix, but that was pretty much all he knew. We waited for a call from R & G to see if Amanda had any interest in meeting with us. It felt like we waited forever and yet, fairly quickly we got the call from R saying Amanda would like to meet with us.

I don't know what will come of our meeting with Amanda. I haven't thought about adopting. I only know some details from friends who have gone through the process. I know it's expensive, but we have the resources to cover it. I know we have just had a baby who is almost 10 months old and it could be hard, but it would be worth it. I know we have this big house that we prayed God would bless other people by, but this would take care of one empty bedroom. I know for some reason I've been feeling like I wanted to expand our family, but I wouldn't have to be pregnant to do that. I know you are biracial, but I would love you no matter what. I know daddy said no more babies, but God dropped one on our doorstep.

The only concern I have at this point is for our friends who are all struggling to conceive. I push that thought aside because in my heart I'm thinking "This just doesn't happen in real life! Don't get your hopes up, Amanda could think you're just not good enough for her baby."

Good thing for me, that didn't happen!

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

I’ve been in Colorado a couple of weeks now and I’ve LOVED my time here! My aunt and uncle are so great! I’ve always been close to them which made the transition to temporarily living with them so easy. They make me feel safe, loved, hopeful, and confident! My cousin J (their daughter), and her two children are also staying here! It so much fun to spend time with J and her two adorable kids!

My days are filled with TLC’s “Bringing Home Baby” or “Trading Spaces”, reading Reader’s Digest condensed novels, hanging out with J, playing with her kids, and occasionally sightseeing. My aunt is an AMAZING cook, so I look forward to dinner every night! They’ve also taken me to some really good restaurants! We spend the evening playing dominoes or cards, baking delicious desserts, or just talking. I’ve really enjoyed my time here! I’ve been able to relax and rejuvenate!

I came to Colorado to somewhat escape my pregnancy, my adoption plans, my judgmental peers, basically my life. But somehow my visit has helped me to see that my pregnancy, although unplanned and life shattering, can be turned into a positive. This pregnancy has given me strength and courage I didn’t know I could possess. It has forced me to trust completely in the Lord and allow him to take care of me in a way I didn’t know was possible. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted the Lord as my personal savior at 7, but this experience has tested and reinforced my faith. I truly can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me!

I’ve spent time enjoying your kicks and flips in my growing belly, quietly talking to you, quietly crying for you, quietly loving you. Somehow, my time alone with you has made me realize more and more that my choice to place you in an adoptive family is out of absolute love for you. I know I’m making the right choice for you. All of the horrible things that have been said about me, about you, about adoption, hold no bearing over me. I know my family, a few good friends, and the Lord is on my side and I have peace knowing this. I’m not saying that giving you away will not be unbelievably hard and emotionally devastating, but knowing that I’m making the right choice for you is what I hold on to.

Love, Amanda

Dear Graysie:

Daily I am being prepared for your arrival and molded into the mommy that will love and care for you and yet, I am completely unaware of your existence.

Your daddy and I have recently decided that our family is complete with just Emma, kaidon, and Mihya. We are so sure of this decision that daddy has even been to the doctor so that we are sure we wont have any more babies.

Tonight your daddy and I had our bible study. We meet weekly to talk about life and marriage and kids. Tonight we talked about feeling led. What you don't know yet, but will have plenty of time to learn, is that I am a questioner by nature and therefore I posed some questions tonight that to me were not important, but turns out they were the start of everything! Tonight I wondered out loud in our bible study group that if I felt led about an important issue like having more children and your daddy didn't, what are we to do? Graysie, what you have to know, is that I didn't even think I wanted more children. I was just wondering out loud what someone would do if that were to happen. Your daddy got nervous and thought I wanted another baby and this made him tell me over and over he would not be having one. I started to get pretty frustrated at him and even though I didn't think I wanted another baby, it made me upset that he wouldn't listen to me. What if I decided to change my mind? After much discussion with the rest of our group, we decided that God can do great things to change people's hearts. Your daddy even said that if God dropped a baby on his door step he was certainly not going to turn it away but that he thought God was powerful enough to change some one's heart so that people would feel led in the the same direction. Little did daddy know, that God would do just that!

I already love you, I'm already fighting for you to be mine and I haven't even been told about you. How special is that?

Love you forever!

Mommy

Dear Graysie,

Tomorrow I leave for Colorado! I’m so thankful that I’m able to get away for awhile. I’ll be staying with my aunt and uncle in Colorado Springs. Someday, I plan on making Colorado my permanent home so this will be a “practice” run. I’m not sure how long I’m going to stay, but I guess I have to be back by April 3; my due date.

I’m so excited to be spending some time in Colorado, but this was not how I pictured my 2^nd semester of senior year. Graduating early to have a baby was never in my plans! I’m trying hard to be strong and not focus on all that I have lost or will be losing. When I think about missing out on spring break, prom, and senior picnic, I am a little disappointed. But those things seem so trivial compared to the thought of missing out on your whole life. That thought is beyond devastating. I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed at all of the losses these next few months will bring.

I wonder if I’m getting too attached to you. Do I think about you too much? I struggle to not even let my mind think about what it would be like to keep you. I know that it would be REALLY hard, but wouldn’t it be worth it? I haven’t even been back to the adoption counselor. I haven’t even started choosing your parents. I guess it will have to wait until after I get back from Colorado. I just need some time to relax. These past few months have been exhausting!

Oh, I’ve chosen your name…. Gracie Piper. I know it will never be your forever name, but at least I will think of you as that.

Love, Amanda