Dear Graysie

2010-10-05T09:03:00.001-10:00

Dear Graysie,

I’m so bored! I spend my days waiting…. I wait for my parents to come home from work, I wait for my friends to get out of school, I wait for my doctor’s appointments, I wait for contractions, I wait for your arrival, and mostly I wait for my life back. I feel like a prisoner in my own body and my punishment is waiting.

I’ve never really been one to “sleep in” so I’m usually up by 7:30 a.m. This makes my day very long. I get excited when I wake up and it’s 8:00, or better yet 8:30, because at least it’s an extra hour I don’t have to be waiting. After I get up, I make my way downstairs to eat breakfast. I try to take my time eating my bowl of cereal or piece of toast; anything to make the time go by. I then turn on TLC and catch at least one Baby Story, it’s my research for your birth. By the time my “research and preparation time” is over it’s around 9:00 a.m. I make my way back upstairs and take a shower, do my makeup, hair, and get dressed. I can usually stretch out “getting ready” to 2 hours. By 11:00 I’m ready to go to the gym. Now I’m sure getting ready for 2 hours and then going to the gym sounds ridiculous, but I have about 6 weeks of time to kill. At the gym, I ride on the elliptical for 30-45 minutes; I’ve asked my doctor and she’s reassured me (and my mother) that this is perfectly safe for you. I end my “gym time” with a cool down of walking on the tread mill for about 15 minutes. By now its 12:30 and I only have 2.5 hours to go until my friends are out of school. I drive back home and eat lunch. After lunch I watch another Baby Story; you can’t be too prepared for birthing a baby. It’s 2:00 by now and I usually try to lie down for 30 minutes. I attempt to nap, but most of the time I just lie there waiting for “nap time” to be over with. I then read for awhile (I LOVE to read; novels, magazines, almanacs, encyclopedias, even the back of a shampoo bottle). I spend my last 15 minutes of “waiting” touching up my makeup and hair. By 3:00 I’m out the door and on my way to Lauren’s house. If she has something to do, then I wait until my mom get’s home from work around 4.

My evenings are not quite as structured. They are easy to fill and are normally spent hanging out with friends, watching tv, eating dinner with my parents, or playing Yatzi with my family. By 10:00 p.m I’m in bed and hopefully sleeping. Night time is great! For 8-10 hours I don’t have to consciously wait on anything. I’ve never really looked forward to bed time, but currently it’s my only escape from my torturously boring reality.

Love, Amanda

2010-10-05T09:02:00.000-10:00

Dear Graysie:

This waiting game is slowly going to kill me! Obviously, I am not “bored”, how could I be with your brother and sisters here as my responsibility? It’s a different kind of wait than I’ve ever had before. This wait isn’t like when I was pregnant, no, it’s much different. This is a nervous kind of wait. When I was pregnant I knew that when I was done waiting I’d (God willing) have a beautiful baby to bring home from the hospital. With this waiting game their really isn’t a garauntee for us, and yet, we have already poured our hearts into loving you. Again, I am all to aware that Amanda can and has every right to change her mind.

I’m anticipating a really great evening that will keep my mind off of waiting for you for just a few hours. Tonight Grandy and Grampy are coming over to paint your bedroom and get everything prepared for you. Your big sister, Emma, is thrilled because we told her she gets to help paint too. I am painting a color I have NEVER EVER even considered to paint on the walls of our house. I am trying to be thoughtful and considerate of Amanda and the role she will play in your life. I know she will love that I have chosen violet and lime green for your wall colors. Unlike with your brother and sister though, I am very insecure about how this is going to turn out. I don’t want to let Amanda down, I feel like it is a great honor that she is trusting me with this. Although I need to not worry about this so much because I do realize that she is trusting me with much much more.......YOU! As much as she is wrapped up in how your room looks and what clothes you’ll be wearing I also know that she is struggling with much more important things and that calms me for the time.

It’s going to be a fun night, but I will have Amanda on my mind for sure!

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-09-22T07:49:00.002-11:00

Dear Graysie,

Today I flew home to Kansas. It was my first flight all by myself! I was so nervous I drank 4 cranberry juices really fast and then felt really nauseous the rest of the way home. I’m lucky it’s only a 90 min flight!

My parents were waiting at the gates and you could tell they were very excited to have me back. My mom said I look really healthy, that I have the pregnancy “glow”, and that I finally look pregnant. All I heard is “You look fat!” Yuck! Not what I wanted to hear. I know she meant it in a nice way, but the last thing I want to look like is pregnant! I’m almost 8 months along, and I know that logically I should “look” like I’m very pregnant. I also know it wouldn’t be healthy for you if I didn’t gain an appropriate amount of weight (I’ve already gained 12 lbs!). But, “looking” pregnant makes it so public. Hiding you behind big sweaters or oversized sweat shirts is my protection from curious, judgmental, pity filled eyes.

After leaving the airport, my parents took me to a late lunch and I told them all about my stay in Colorado. I gushed about how amazing your “parents to be” were, and how I already adored your “soon to be” brother and sisters. I described how gigantic yet homey your new home is, how adorable your lavender and lime green baby quilt is, how massive your Great Dane puppy Jack is, how your neighborhood looks picture perfect, and how you already have a swing set and trampoline waiting for you in your backyard. I told them that your life will be prefect because Ambyr, Josh, Emma, Kaidon, and Mihya are the perfect family that God has chosen for you.

My parents seem relieved that we have found your family. They plan on meeting Ambyr and Josh in a couple of weeks. I know they will love them as much as I do!

Love,

Amanda

2010-09-22T07:34:00.004-11:00

Dear Graysie

Amanda left for Kansas today. We didn't hear from her and honestly we never got her phone number to be able to call her either. It is hard to say everything that I want to say or ask of her right now. I'm hopeful that in time it will get easier.

I'm struggling between many emotions but especially with paranoia. We have already made a space in our hearts for you. I already fear that we could lose you. Amanda has no obligation to us and has every right to change her mind, but it would absolutely crush us at this point.

I've busied myself with calls. Calls to attorneys, calls to counselors, call to social workers, calls to adoption agencies, calls to friends and calls to family. What I've found out is that this process may not be as easy as we had expected. The good news is that it can be done, and we have many choices

Our most pressing choice is which state we want our adoption to be finalized in. Adoptions vary greatly from state to state and therefore I've researched all options available in both. One of the biggest differences for us is that in Colorado it takes many months for you to be truly ours. In Kansas it takes just 30 days. The biggest difference for Amanda is that in Colorado she would have to go in front of the judge a few times and tell him that she still wanted to give you up for adoption. I just can't imagine putting her through that, so we've decided that Kansas would be our best choice for both of us. Now, all we need to do is find an attorney who can help.

With our new decision to finalize through Kansas, I have a great deal of planning to do. I need to be sure that when Amanda goes into labor we are ready with a babysitter who can watch your brother and sisters. We are needing to travel to Kansas a couple of times to meet with counselors and attorneys too. I have so much to do and yet it exhilarating just knowing that soon you will be our baby. Besides, I'm looking forward to spending time withAmanda so I can someday tell you all about her!!

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-06-17T14:53:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I go back to Kansas tomorrow. I’ve really loved my time here in Colorado! Part of me wants to stay; I would love to help paint your room, pick out baby clothes, and spend more time with Josh, Ambyr, and their family. But another part of me in anxious to get home; I miss my family and friends. I’m torn and I have a feeling I will be torn the rest of my life….

I truly believe God’s perfect plan was for me to “find” Josh and Ambyr. I truly believe they are the perfect fit, not only you, but for me as well. I truly believe they will be amazing parents and you will have an awesome family. I truly believe placing you in their loving, stable, happy family is the right choice. But “truly believing” all of this just cements the fact that I will never be your mother. “Truly believing” all of this does not take away the pain that losing a child will bring.

I’m scared that losing you will haunt me the rest of my life. I’m terrified I will spend eternity with a big gaping hole in my heart and that only you can fill. Keeping you would be much easier for me, but it wouldn’t be right for you.

I will always be immensely thankful for Ambyr and Josh, but I will never be happy you’re not with me.

Love, Amanda

2010-06-17T13:10:00.003-11:00

Dear Graysie

Amanda leaves for Kansas tomorrow. I wish we had more time to spend together getting to know each other and talking about our plans for you. I wish I could stare at her little baby bump for the next nine weeks just knowing you, my baby, is growing. I wish we could tell her to stay with us so I could be sure to have her eating nutritious food and getting plenty of rest. I wish I could talk with her for hours just about her life and her friends and her childhood and her pregnancy.

On the other hand, I have so much to do and only nine weeks to do it. I haven't even started paperwork or researching exactly what we need to do. I know that adoption can be expensive but I am expecting the cost to be minimal because we have found each other and we aren't having to involve an agency. I am going to call around to attorneys first thing in the morning. Although we've found your bedding and all your decorations and furniture I had already gotten rid of all the baby stuff from your brother and sisters and I need to start preparing for your arrival. I am going to be busy.

I am telling people that this nine weeks is going to fly by. I am telling people that I have so much to do and so little time. I'm telling people all of this not because I believe it, but because I'm trying to convince myself that this next nine weeks will go fast. I am anxious and this will be totally agonizing waiting for you to arrive.

I love you forever

Mommy

2010-05-14T02:10:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I spent the entire day with Ambyr, Josh, and their children: Emma, Kaidon, and Mihya. My time with them was AMAZING! They make me feel so welcomed and comfortable. They treat me like I’m their family! I truly believe this is God’s perfect plan! You will have a wonderful family!

Our first stop was “Babies R Us”. I still can’t believe they let ME pick out your crib bedding and nursery décor. I took this responsibility VERY seriously! I not only want you to love it, but I really want them to be pleased as well. I immediately think PINK, PINK, PINK! But then I remember Mihya’s nursery, it’s done in neutrals. Maybe Ambyr is not a pink person? Then I saw the perfect choice, a shabby chic style baby quilt in lavender and lime green. I adore it!

Then it was time to choose your crib. Once again, they let ME pick it out! My eyes went straight to the white cribs. They look so fresh and cheery! I want your room to have the same ambiance as a bright spring morning: full of joy and evoking a feeling like your day is full of endless spectacular possibilities.

They have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to choose what your nursery would look like. It made me feel included in your future. It made me feel like I added something beautiful to your life. It made me feel hopeful. Even though it’s just fabric and wood I wanted to make the perfect choice because I want your life to be perfect and filled with happiness! And if the only way I can express that is by filling your room with bright purples and greens, I will thankfully take it.

Love,

Amanda

P.S I have so much more to tell you about my day with your “forever family” but I’ll save the rest for tomorrow

2010-05-14T02:08:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie

We just got back from an amazing time with Amanda. We had planned this last night, and although it feels like an eternity ago, it has only been 24 hours since we met her…..and you.

We picked Amanda up at R & G's house this afternoon and headed to the baby store. Amanda is leaving to go back to Kansas in a few days but we really wanted her to be a part of helping decorate your nursery. This is one of the first times I realize how opposite that we are from each other. Amanda wants your room to be pink and frilly. My eye scans towards the taupe's and mauve's. I like wood furniture and she loves the white. I don't express much of my opinion, because I know at this point, after having three babies already, that the decorated nursery is not even the surface of whats to come. Amanda actually chooses an adorable set that is light purple and lime green. It is far from the one I would have chosen but I love it because she picked it especially for you. I decide that I will just focus on painting the walls lime green and accessorize with the other pastel colors, so it will be more my style. Ironically, it was less than a year ago when I was doing all of this for Mihya, which helps me be more relaxed about whatever Amanda chooses.

During our time at the baby store I see Amanda's mothering instinct. Mihya intrigues her and she really has a hard time not talking, touching and playing with her. She offers to hold her and totes her in and out of the car. She smiles when strangers compliment how precious your brother and sisters are, as if she has formed a bond to them already. Mihya always gets car sick and this trip to the baby store is no different. Mihya throws up in the store and Amanda doesn't do what most teenagers her age would do. No, Amanda rushes to help and holds Mihya while I clean up the cart and the floor from the mess. My heart can't help but sink at the thought that she would be a good mom to you. How hard this must be for her. It is clear she adores kids.

The one thing that doesn't match up to her actions is her words. When i ask about you kicking she shrugs her shoulders like she doesn't know. When she refers to you, she calls you "it". Part of me is defensive because she is so disassociated. I want her to love you. I want to see that she cares. I need to know that she's attached enough to want to continue a relationship with you once you are born, but I don't see any sign of that. I am fearful for this "open" adoption.

When we leave the baby store we take the kids to stay with Grandy and Grampy so we can have some time alone with Amanda. We go out to dinner with the intention to talk more about the future and our plans for your adoption. Daddy is his normal self and asks a lot of questions to find out how Amanda is doing emotionally. She seems like a rock. It never sounds like her mind goes to any other option but to adoption. She says she knows it would not be fair for her to keep you. She loves you way to much to struggle as a single mom. She mentions another girl she knows at school who is pregnant and will be keeping her baby. I can't help but think of how hard that will be for Amanda to see while you are not with her. I realize from being a mommy already the emotions that take over the first time you lay eyes on your baby and I wonder if Amanda is prepared for that.

The day was amazing. It was a great time to learn more about Amanda, her pregnancy, and her intentions for your future and our open adoption. I'm getting more and more excited. Nine weeks will come quickly, although it can't come soon enough.

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-05-05T04:35:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I’m anxiously waiting for my visit with Ambyr and Josh! Once again, I’m excited, nervous, and very eager to meet with them! I think today will be spent just getting to know them and their children better. I’m not totally sure what the day will bring….

I have been thinking more and more about how I want our “open adoption” to be. I guess the first place to start is your birth. I feel that if it’s possible, it’s important that Ambyr be in the room for your birth. She is going to be your mother and she deserves to see her child’s first moments. I’m not sure exactly how all of that will work with them being in Colorado and me delivering you in Kansas? But, I’m sure there is some way to make it work. Also, I definitely want to spend time with you in the hospital but I also want them involved. I think it’s essential that we all have the opportunity to bond with you your first few days of life. Is this how normal open adoptions work? Or am I asking too much? I’m really not sure.

I’m certain our hospital stay will go by really fast. I know my parents and brothers will want to spend time with you. I also know that my grandparents, aunts, and even some cousins plan on visiting you. Even a few close friends of mine plan to stop by so they can hold you! There are lots of people who want to meet you! It’s so sad to think that they have to say “hello” and “goodbye forever” in one brief visit….

I hope that Ambyr and Josh will send me tons of pictures. I hope that I will be able to visit once or twice a year. I hope I can send you gifts and even notes. I hope I can come to your first birthday. I hope I can see you dance in a dance recital or score a goal in a soccer game. I hope so many things. Am I hoping too much? Are there really open adoptions this open?

Love, Amanda

2010-05-05T00:55:00.003-11:00

Dear Graysie

It's a new day and my head is still spinning with the whole idea of adoption and infertility and babies and the future. Last night when Amanda left we made plans to meet with her later this afternoon for a special outing. It seems like everything is happening so fast and yet I wouldn't slow it down for anything!

I quickly mention to daddy what has been filling my head. Daddy agrees disappointingly that we've got to at least put Amanda's story out there to our friends. We've got to at least share what we know and from there it is up to them and Amanda, not us.

I pick up the phone and start to dial, although I don't make it through all the digits and hang up. I do this several times before handing this now dauntingly emotional task over to daddy. Daddy calls the few people we know and I can't even stay in the room because I don't want to hear if someone wants to consider it. I do listen intently from the other room because I can't stand not to. Daddy gets a lot of questions but they are not the type of questions I was predicting would come from people who so desperately are awaiting children. They are questions like what color hair does Amanda have? What is her weight like? Has she had any prenatal care? Is she on drugs? Is the baby Caucasian? Does she have any STD's? How long will we have to stay in contact with her? So many seemingly meaningless questions in my opinion.

The questions continue and although a part of me is angry and saddened by our friends unwillingness to accept any baby as their own, I am elated as the phone calls continue in this manner because it means we are just one step closer to making you ours. When daddy finishes these calls, I am overwhelmed.

My cries turn into sobs at the idea that if this works out for us, we may be fighting an uphill battle. What will it take to get our friends to understand how perfect you are? I feel judged and helpless. Some of them have condemned the thought of you and they only know your race. Some of them have talked down the idea of us wanting you by telling us it wouldn't be fair if you didn't look like the rest of us. Other's have made it clear that they would disagree with the open adoption option. some disregard adoption altogether, calling it inhumane. Even with all this negativity being poured into our lives, I'm fearfully convinced we are meant to be your parents and I know by looking into your daddy's eyes, he is convinced too!

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-05-03T05:10:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

Feelings of excitement, joy, and relief have flooded my heart and mind. Meeting with Ambyr and Josh has given me so much hope for your future and mine! I’m sure this “high on life” feeling will pass and the reality that I’m one step closer to giving you up forever will sink in. But for now, I’m enjoying this “high”.

Ambyr’s first question to me was if I wanted an open adoption. Yes! Of course I want an open adoption. Then she asked what my expectations were for our open adoption. I froze. I don’t have a clue! I’ve never known anyone who has given their child up for adoption, let alone an open adoption. I didn’t even know open adoption existed until a few months ago. I know they are going to want some answers on how I want our “open adoption” to look. I really didn’t think I would be able to have any input on how “open” I wanted your adoption to be. I have a lot to think about!

Love, Amanda

2010-05-03T05:09:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie

I just woke up in a panic! This could be happening……. this could be real! I got so caught up in the excitement of it all, that I didn't even stop to think about all the people around me who are struggling with infertility and desperately want children. How will I tell them? How will they feel? Am I being selfish to want another baby? Should I ask them if they want to meet Amanda? Maybe she'd rather have one of them be your parents anyway. Maybe they'd be better for you since none of them have children yet. Should we even be doing this? Are we crazy?

I've laid awake half the night wondering what is the best way to do this. Should I be calling the people who are closest to us and asking them? Would we be better off just telling them our plans? Maybe we shouldn't even mention it until things are closer to being finalized. I'm literally sick with worry and scared of the reactions we may get.

After much deliberation in my own mind, I decide it will be best to tell each friend about you and Amanda. I decide that daddy and I can tell Amanda's story to them. We will tell the story up until the point where we said we wanted you. We will tell the story to see if maybe any of them ask to meet Amanda on their own. If they don't, we will continue to pursue this adoption. Yes, that's what I think we should do. It's what I'd want a friend to do if I were the one wanting children and they knew of a baby available. It's the "right" thing to do and yet, I feel a sudden pang of sadness just thinking that maybe you won't be my baby after all. What if someone else wants you? What if Amanda decides we're not the "ones"? I've already fallen in love with you. I'd be devastated!

I cannot worry anymore tonight, I need to sleep for a big day tomorrow.

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-04-19T03:11:00.003-11:00

Dear Graysie,

It’s the middle of the night, and even though I’m beyond exhausted I feel so full of excitement and hope that I can’t sleep a wink. Today my prayers were answered! Today God’s perfect plan for my life and most importantly yours were revealed to me….
I woke up this morning anxious and energized; today I was going to Denver to meet Ambyr and Josh! I put on my favorite red sweater, best black pants, and made sure my hair and makeup was just right. I wanted to make the best impression I could!
The drive to Denver was full of grassy hills and dense pine trees. I enjoyed the scenery so much we were there before I knew it! R and G took me to lunch and then we went furniture shopping. As we wondered around Ethan Allen and Pottery Barn I was growing more and more nervous about meeting Ambyr and Josh. What if they didn’t like me? What if I wasn’t pretty enough? What if I wasn’t smart enough?

It was dark by the time we arrived at Ambyr and Josh’s home. I couldn’t see much except that the house looked huge! I slowly made my way up to their front door and knocked softly. Josh flung the door open with Ambyr by his side. They greeted me and I instantly felt calm and confident. Their home, although large, felt warm and inviting. I met their 3 small children. Each was ridiculously cute and had delightful little personalities. After only spending 10 minutes with their children I not only adored them but knew they were well behaved, happy, and loved. The kids went upstairs to play while Ambyr, Josh and I sat down to talk.

Ambyr immediately asked me if I wanted an open adoption and I immediately told her yes. She seemed as relieved and I did. We then went through all the basic information: when your due date is, how your health is, your gender, etc. They also asked me what my expectations are for an open adoption. I wasn’t sure how to answer this question. I don’t want to say the wrong things to “scare” them off and I don’t know how much or how little I want to be in your life. I’ll have to think about this one.

When I left their home I just knew this is the right family for you. This is where you’re supposed to be. I know they will love you and allow me to be involved in your life. I’m not sure how I can feel so confident after only meeting with them for less than an hour, but in my heart I just know this is the right and perfect choice for you!

Love, Amanda

2010-04-19T00:15:00.004-11:00

Dear Graysie

I finally got to meet you today.

Daddy and I had R & G bring Amanda over so we could meet her and discuss her plans for your future. I am nervous and yet your daddy is as calm as he always is in situations like this. All day I've done the "what if...." and "what about...." questions that always seems to overwhelm my thoughts in stressful situations. I was pretty sure I had all the questions laid out that I wanted to ask Amanda when the doorbell finally rang and she was standing on the front porch.

When I opened the door I was amazed that it was the same girl I had seen at family camp. It was the girl I had wished I had talked to, the same girl my insides tugged at me to go meet but never did. She is still as beautiful as I remembered and by looking at her you'd never know she was just 9 weeks from delivering her first baby. I quickly do the math in my head to figure out if she was pregnant at camp, and realize that she was. We welcomed her in the door and sat in the living room to start our heavy conversation. I have fears and doubts and insecurities about how this should go. This is not something I could have planned for, and yet, I still feel like I am totally unprepared for what should come. We have some small talk and out of nowhere I ask her "Are you willing to have an open adoption?" As quickly as it comes out, I want to take it back. Amanda almost looks relieved and answers me by saying that she would prefer to have an open adoption. From there the conversation goes smoothly and centers around Amanda's plans, hopes, and desires for the rest of her pregnancy and for your future. I can tell she loves you already and wants the best for you.

I end up taking Amanda around the house to show her that we have space for you. In my mind I continue doing the math regarding her pregnancy and family camp, and keep getting the same result as before, but I am amazed that maybe that is why I felt drawn to her. This may have been the plan all along! As I'm showing her the house she asks me one question, that as silly as it is, I never thought about. Amanda asked me "where's it's room going to be?" I pause at the question and fumble around with my answer as I think out loud and answer her. I tell her "I guess we'll have the baby right here across the hall from our room in what is now our craft area for the kids" I'm not fully convinced of that plan, just because it is right next to the office and may not be the best place for a napping baby. What I don't want to admit out loud at this point though, is that I don't know where a baby room will be because we've only had this on our minds for less than 24 hours, which didn't give me a lot of prep time for all the little details. As a matter of fact, what I don't realize, is that the next 9 weeks will be the same and it will give me little time to think about details.

By the time Amanda left our house tonight, we'd all pretty much agreed on the fact that we will be your mommy and daddy. Amanda seems confident in her decision to place you for adoption and Daddy and I are overjoyed that she has chosen us. It is a huge life change for all of us, and yet, we all seem to have a quiet confidence regarding the future.

Tomorrow we are planning on having a very important outing with Amanda, I can't wait to go and to tell you all about it.

Love you forever!

Mommy

2010-04-16T00:58:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I’m still in Colorado! Every day I’m gaining strength and peace about my adoption plans. All of my family here (and back home) supports my decision to place you in an adoptive family. They know I’m making this decision out of love. This brings me to my amazing news…. I think I might have found your adoptive family, your forever family (I like that term better)!

My cousins R and G (they live in Denver, R is my aunt’s son and G is his wife; very nice couple! ) know a couple named Josh and Ambyr . They want to meet me, to find out more about you! What’s even more crazy and incredible is that Josh and Ambyr were at church camp this summer, when I was there! What’s even crazier is that as soon as my Aunt S said there was a couple, friends of R and G, I immediately knew who that couple was. Without seeing a picture or even hearing their name, their charming little family popped into my head! Just to confirm my thoughts my Aunt S whipped out a picture of them and it was the same family that I was picturing! I remember exactly who they are! I think it’s a God thing! They had two charming toddlers, a girl and a boy, and a delightful little baby, also a girl. WOW! You might have 2 sisters and a brother! They seemed like the perfect family! Could it really be possible that I have found your adoptive family without even looking?!?! This just feels so right! I think this just might be God’s perfect plan for you and for me. R and G are taking me to meet your possible “forever family” tomorrow. I’m so excited, anxious, nervous, hopeful, terrified, and optimistic.

Love, Amanda

2010-04-16T00:15:00.003-11:00

Dear Graysie:

God dropped a baby on our doorstep just like daddy had mentioned at our bible study not even 24 hrs. ago!

Let me explain. Our friend R, whom we've known for 5 years was with daddy today. They have been in some sort of business venture together since the time they met and R has just gotten into real estate. Daddy is helping him learn the business and so he was going on a listing appointment with him. As they were driving down the road talking about life R mentioned to daddy that his young cousin, Amanda, was here staying because she was going through some hard times. Having a heart for youth daddy asked what exactly she was dealing with. R told daddy that she was pregnant and was looking to give the baby up for adoption. Daddy was shocked. R and daddy talked some more and before they knew it daddy was calling me.

I was home taking care of our house and hanging out with my neighbor Pam. She was over and the kids were in the backyard playing. Our phone rang and it was your daddy. I was expecting him to be calling to tell me he was running late, he ran out of gas, or even to ask if we had plans or not to be able to go out to dinner with R & G; but instead I got the shock of my life! Your daddy, the one who was totally against adoption less than 24 hrs. ago, was calling to ask me if I'd like to meet Amanda who was giving her baby up for adoption. I had no words, I was officially speechless. I think I fumbled around asking questions about who and why and when. I hung up the phone and in an absolute emotion between shock, panic and excitement I told Pam what was going on. In minutes Pam had left and I started calling Grandy and anyone else I could think of. Since daddy was in his appointment and I couldn't talk to him in more detail, I had a million questions that were unanswered.

Once daddy got back home he gave me some more details. He knew you were going to be biracial, he knew Amanda had not been on drugs, he knew there was no boyfriend in the mix, but that was pretty much all he knew. We waited for a call from R & G to see if Amanda had any interest in meeting with us. It felt like we waited forever and yet, fairly quickly we got the call from R saying Amanda would like to meet with us.

I don't know what will come of our meeting with Amanda. I haven't thought about adopting. I only know some details from friends who have gone through the process. I know it's expensive, but we have the resources to cover it. I know we have just had a baby who is almost 10 months old and it could be hard, but it would be worth it. I know we have this big house that we prayed God would bless other people by, but this would take care of one empty bedroom. I know for some reason I've been feeling like I wanted to expand our family, but I wouldn't have to be pregnant to do that. I know you are biracial, but I would love you no matter what. I know daddy said no more babies, but God dropped one on our doorstep.

The only concern I have at this point is for our friends who are all struggling to conceive. I push that thought aside because in my heart I'm thinking "This just doesn't happen in real life! Don't get your hopes up, Amanda could think you're just not good enough for her baby."

Good thing for me, that didn't happen!

Love you forever!

Mommy

2010-04-14T02:08:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I’ve been in Colorado a couple of weeks now and I’ve LOVED my time here! My aunt and uncle are so great! I’ve always been close to them which made the transition to temporarily living with them so easy. They make me feel safe, loved, hopeful, and confident! My cousin J (their daughter), and her two children are also staying here! It so much fun to spend time with J and her two adorable kids!

My days are filled with TLC’s “Bringing Home Baby” or “Trading Spaces”, reading Reader’s Digest condensed novels, hanging out with J, playing with her kids, and occasionally sightseeing. My aunt is an AMAZING cook, so I look forward to dinner every night! They’ve also taken me to some really good restaurants! We spend the evening playing dominoes or cards, baking delicious desserts, or just talking. I’ve really enjoyed my time here! I’ve been able to relax and rejuvenate!

I came to Colorado to somewhat escape my pregnancy, my adoption plans, my judgmental peers, basically my life. But somehow my visit has helped me to see that my pregnancy, although unplanned and life shattering, can be turned into a positive. This pregnancy has given me strength and courage I didn’t know I could possess. It has forced me to trust completely in the Lord and allow him to take care of me in a way I didn’t know was possible. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted the Lord as my personal savior at 7, but this experience has tested and reinforced my faith. I truly can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me!

I’ve spent time enjoying your kicks and flips in my growing belly, quietly talking to you, quietly crying for you, quietly loving you. Somehow, my time alone with you has made me realize more and more that my choice to place you in an adoptive family is out of absolute love for you. I know I’m making the right choice for you. All of the horrible things that have been said about me, about you, about adoption, hold no bearing over me. I know my family, a few good friends, and the Lord is on my side and I have peace knowing this. I’m not saying that giving you away will not be unbelievably hard and emotionally devastating, but knowing that I’m making the right choice for you is what I hold on to.

Love, Amanda

2010-04-14T02:05:00.002-11:00

Dear Graysie:

Daily I am being prepared for your arrival and molded into the mommy that will love and care for you and yet, I am completely unaware of your existence.

Your daddy and I have recently decided that our family is complete with just Emma, kaidon, and Mihya. We are so sure of this decision that daddy has even been to the doctor so that we are sure we wont have any more babies.

Tonight your daddy and I had our bible study. We meet weekly to talk about life and marriage and kids. Tonight we talked about feeling led. What you don't know yet, but will have plenty of time to learn, is that I am a questioner by nature and therefore I posed some questions tonight that to me were not important, but turns out they were the start of everything! Tonight I wondered out loud in our bible study group that if I felt led about an important issue like having more children and your daddy didn't, what are we to do? Graysie, what you have to know, is that I didn't even think I wanted more children. I was just wondering out loud what someone would do if that were to happen. Your daddy got nervous and thought I wanted another baby and this made him tell me over and over he would not be having one. I started to get pretty frustrated at him and even though I didn't think I wanted another baby, it made me upset that he wouldn't listen to me. What if I decided to change my mind? After much discussion with the rest of our group, we decided that God can do great things to change people's hearts. Your daddy even said that if God dropped a baby on his door step he was certainly not going to turn it away but that he thought God was powerful enough to change some one's heart so that people would feel led in the the same direction. Little did daddy know, that God would do just that!

I already love you, I'm already fighting for you to be mine and I haven't even been told about you. How special is that?

Love you forever!

Mommy

2010-04-12T01:31:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie,

Tomorrow I leave for Colorado! I’m so thankful that I’m able to get away for awhile. I’ll be staying with my aunt and uncle in Colorado Springs. Someday, I plan on making Colorado my permanent home so this will be a “practice” run. I’m not sure how long I’m going to stay, but I guess I have to be back by April 3; my due date.

I’m so excited to be spending some time in Colorado, but this was not how I pictured my 2^nd semester of senior year. Graduating early to have a baby was never in my plans! I’m trying hard to be strong and not focus on all that I have lost or will be losing. When I think about missing out on spring break, prom, and senior picnic, I am a little disappointed. But those things seem so trivial compared to the thought of missing out on your whole life. That thought is beyond devastating. I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed at all of the losses these next few months will bring.

I wonder if I’m getting too attached to you. Do I think about you too much? I struggle to not even let my mind think about what it would be like to keep you. I know that it would be REALLY hard, but wouldn’t it be worth it? I haven’t even been back to the adoption counselor. I haven’t even started choosing your parents. I guess it will have to wait until after I get back from Colorado. I just need some time to relax. These past few months have been exhausting!

Oh, I’ve chosen your name…. Gracie Piper. I know it will never be your forever name, but at least I will think of you as that.

Love, Amanda

2010-04-12T01:29:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie:

I can't believe we are celebrating Christmas already.

Daddy loves Christmas and this time of year, and grew up with so much excitement surrounding it. I've heard stories over the last eight years about how daddy would sit and stare at the tree for hours and he'd arrange the gifts under it so they were placed perfectly, and then stare some more. When daddy and I were in college I remember as early as the end of August Christmas music billowing out from under his dorm room door. When other students were listening to country or rock, your daddy was preparing for Christmas cheerfulness…. in August! As the time has gone on, he has started the Christmas music earlier and earlier until it is now beginning in July. By this time I am a little over the Christmas music. His Christmas music collection has grown quite large because of my annoyance with the same songs over and over. Now he has the pleasure of annoying all of our staff with it too. Daddy also has a passion for gifts. He does like receiving them but more importantly he is almost obsessed with finding each person on our list the "perfect" gift. Sometimes it takes him much longer than I want to spend researching gift choices for a person.

My Christmas memories are not as fond. I am not sure if it is because I was over indulged as a child and therefore the gifts had no real value? It may be because Grampy has his birthday just ten days before Christmas and we never decorated until the 16Th of December and therefore the anticipation wasn't as agonizing. We never listened to Christmas music, didn't have any family traditions set in stone and rarely had extended family visiting. The extent of our decorating was a tree with ornaments, no lights on the house no nativity in the front yard. I guess it wasn't that much more exciting than a birthday to me. It's not that I didn't enjoy the season, no, it's just that it didn't have the affect on me that it had on your daddy.

Daddy's love for the holidays rubs off on all of us who are living close to him. From the time you walk through the doors of our home you realize it is Christmas. Every stocking is hung and every picture on the wall is wrapped in gift wrap with giant bows. The festivities begin the day after Thanksgiving and kept there until the day after Christmas when it all gets placed back in its box. Our collection has grown immensely over the years and we even have Christmas bedding and bathroom sets for every room and bathroom in the house. Now that we have the kids, Christmas is met with even more excitement and exuberance. I have learned not to do the shopping to early or we end up with enough gifts under our tree for four families. Daddy loves the crowded malls and hustle and bustle of crazy holiday shoppers. Even with two toddlers and an infant we find ourselves at the mall at the most crowded times so daddy can get his high!

We've even set up some really fantastic holiday traditions. We never miss a candle light serve on Christmas Eve where the Christmas story is told and never gets tiring. Grandy and Grampy spend the night every year on Christmas eve so they are here when little toes finally hit the floor. GG spends the day with us, and every year we just don't seem to get our timing coordinated for her arrival. Grampy and daddy bumble around in the kitchen but mommy typically does the cooking while barking orders to Grandy. Daddy hits Starbucks bright and early and brings yummy treats for everyone. We set out cookies for Santa. We sprinkle oats for the reindeer. Mommy is in charge of dispersing the gifts, but daddy and Grampy are the ones who transfer them to the correct room of the house. Everything, whether spoken or not, is our tradition surrounding Christmas. We love this time as a family. We love the reminder of our saviors birth.

Can't wait for you to be a part of this next year and for many years to come, you're going to love it too.

Love you forever!

Mommy

2010-04-09T01:53:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

Tomorrow is Christmas! My parents have always made the holiday season so special for us. That must be why it’s my favorite time of year. I love putting the ornaments on the tree. I enjoy baking, frosting, and decorating sugar cookies. I adore the “hunt” for the perfect gift and then wrapping it beautifully! The music, lights, holiday parties, and all the hustling and bustling is my paradise.

I keep thinking how this is our first and last Christmas together. I will never be able to share my love of Christmas with you, our holiday traditions, or choose your “Santa” presents. I will never take you to Christmas Eve church service or read the “Nativity Story” to you. I will never help you write a letter to Santa or take you to sit on his lap. I will never hear you sing “Jingle Bells” or see your first Christmas pageant. No one realizes how much I’m giving up by giving you up.

Choosing your parent’s is going to be so hard. I want you to have parents that make Christmas special for you. I want you to have parents who teach you the “TRUE” meaning of Christmas. I want you to have parents who give you “Santa” gifts. Most importantly, I want you to have parents who cherish every Christmas memory they get to make with you, because I would give my right arm to just have one.

Merry Christmas with love,

Amanda

2010-04-09T01:52:00.002-11:00

Dear Graysie:

I'm having so much fun living my dream of being a mommy. I am high on life doing what I've dreamt about for years. I am your typical "stay at home mom" who is never at home. Emma, Kaidon, Mihya and I spend our days drenched in togetherness and I am enjoying each day to the fullest. I am meant to be a mom, I was designed for this. To say I have "extreme pride in what I do" is an understatement, although words cannot describe fully how much I am enjoying my life right now.

Your daddy and I have a love that I have not seen in any other couple. We adore each other and respect each other to the fullest. Although we see each others flaws, unlike most of the couples we know who decide to nag about those flaws your daddy and I have formed an unspoken gesture that we will just fill in for each others short comings. We do it without nagging and frustration but out of deep love for one another. We focus on the kids as much as possible while being sure to stay focused on the marriage we both cherish. I am a better person because of your daddy and he is better because of me, something we both acknowledge.

Our family is picture perfect. We have two adorable toddlers and a beautiful baby girl, a great house, great friends, a thriving business, a dog, and made for t.v. love. Who could ever ask for more? I couldn't dream of anything being better and yet just when I think it can't get any better than it is right now, it does. Soon, very,very soon!

I love you forever!

mommy

2010-04-07T01:45:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie,

This morning I saw you for the first time! Even on the blurry sonogram screen your fuzzy image was miraculous! I saw the outline of your head, your beautiful profile, your busy legs, your tiny hands, and your strong heart. I found out you will be what I wanted and feared, a sweet baby girl. I will have a daughter and then I will have to give her away. Could anything else be more terrible?

Once again, I didn’t know how to react in this bittersweet moment. Do I show how thrilled I am that you’re a strong healthy baby girl or do I act detached and apathetic? Even my mind doesn’t know how to feel? How does someone carry a baby for 9 months, give birth to the baby, and then give it away? Whenever I feel happy or excited about you, I think “STOP, she’s never going to be yours, you’re just setting yourself up for more pain and disappointment.” Then when I try and prevent myself from feeling the love I have for you I think, “She’s still your baby, even if it’s only for a few months. You’ll always be her first mother; you’re allowed to love her.” My mind is in a constant battle.

I now realize that my life has forever changed. You will always have my heart, even if I never have yours. I thought I could have you, find a family for you, and then forget all about you. Now I understand how immature and ridiculous my plan ever was. Would it be so wrong for me to keep you just because I love you and I don’t want to have to forever carry the pain of giving you away?

Love,

Amanda

2010-04-07T01:39:00.003-11:00

Dear Graysie:

Daddy is the youth group leader for our church and has been for a couple of years now. He loves his time each week spent with all these teenagers. He has brought our youth group from 3 to 150 kids. Our church congregation is now incredibly smaller than our youth group. Daddy has a way of bringing something from nothing to greatness, a gift in a way. They adore him and he has a unique approach with them. You see, our youth group is made up of kids who are broken and hurting. It does not house your typical "churched" teenager. Yes, we have a handful of kids who've gone to church their whole lives, but for the most part they are just your typical teenage kids. Daddy knew if he provided food, fun and a safe environment that he could reach these kids like no other youth group would.

Many of the parents of these kids are absent. Either physically or emotionally. Most of the kids came because we left the church doors open and as they skateboarded or ran by daddy would invite them in. Pretty simple approach, but it worked. These kids are broken and they need a place to share their stories and their hearts. Each week, I also help, although I feel less than natural with these big kids. It takes a lot of work for me to feel comfortable with them and I generally just busy myself with game set up and cleaning up. I do form bonds with many of the young girls. One in particular who is a teen mom. I am her sounding board when things get tough, I am her motivation when she is lacking skill to go on. I hear her heart and her embarrassments and her fears for her future. I realize that I am able to connect with her so much more than I thought I would.

These big kids will not end up perfect. These big kids make many mistakes. Daddy stands at the door each week and collects drugs from pockets so that the kids who are not into that feel safe, and so he can establish an environment to teach these kids that he cares enough to not want them harming their bodies(something many of their parents have not done for them). We have been called at 3 a.m. by the police because one of our "kids" had shoplifted and they didn't think to call their mom or dad but instead they called us. We have been to school events where parents never showed up. We attend baseball games many times for our kids who play. We employed many of them for their first jobs. We talk through heartbreaking family situations. We listen when they feel helpless and we hug when they had never received affection before. We love these kids and we see good in them even when the world has not a glimmer of hope.

Our experience with these kids who the world see's as "bad", "wild", "non-christian" and so many other negative labels will set us up for grace when it comes to meeting your birth mom. Although she will come to us as a christian and has loving great parents, she will be hurting and broken and we will know how to be there for her even though our kids are only toddlers.

We still don't know you are coming, but we are loving you already.

Love you forever!

Mommy

2010-04-05T01:44:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I must tell you, I am horrible about showing my emotions. I try very hard to act like I’m fine and you are nothing more than an inconvenience. As each day goes by it gets harder and harder to keep up this charade of cheerfulness. No one knows how heartbreaking this all is for me. You’re becoming more and more real and I’m trying desperately to not get attached to you. I know if I start to think about you as a real baby, my baby, I’ll never be able to give you up.

I felt you move for the first time while I was in the bathtub this evening. You felt like little butterflies. My heart leapt for joy and then it shattered when I realized I only have 4 more months with you. I sobbed silently. No one realizes how much I already love you.

I’ll find out in a couple weeks if you’re a boy or a girl. I would love a little girl! But, if you’re a girl it might make giving you up that much harder. I just keep thinking of all the mother/daughter experiences I’ll miss forever. Playing dress up, going to “tea parties”, painting your tiny nails hot pink, dance classes, reading princess books…. I’m going to miss everything.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with an adoption counselor. She showed me a catalog of lovely families that all greatly want a baby. I looked at countless glossy pictures of pleasant looking couples in their backyard, on a beach, in front of a fireplace, etc. I read many of their profiles. They all looked and sounded fine but something just didn’t feel “right”. I felt like God was saying “Wait, just wait, none of these families is the perfect match, just wait.” For now, that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait. Maybe all of this is just too difficult and I’m procrastinating because it’s easier than face this monumental decision? I’m going to Colorado next month to stay with my aunt for awhile. I need to make my decision or at least narrow down my options before I leave. Picking out your parents will be the biggest responsibility I’ve ever had. For now though, I’ll wait.

Love,

Amanda

2010-04-05T01:42:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie:

I know enough about private adoption to realize that the adoptive parents really do not get much of a say in whether or not the birth mom goes through with finalizing the adoption. I know that not only because long ago my friend gave her little boy up for adoption all on her "terms" and because I've had a couple acquaintances have adoptions go bad.

Just a couple months ago while talking to our friends about adoption they told me a story of a friend who had an adoption go bad on the day they were supposed to bring their baby home from the hospital. The friends who were telling us about it were our friends who could never "steal" someone else's baby and so their point was that they were secretly happy that the birth mom made the "right" choice. When it came up I wanted to debate who decides if this is the "right" choice or not, but instead I kept my mouth shut and moved the conversation along to more surface things that we could both agree on. I feel desperately sorry for these friends because I know they are struggling with conception and therefore I wonder if they will ever be given the family they are hoping for since they are so closed off of adoption. I know they can not afford countless IVF treatments or infertility drugs and yet they are strongly against adoption and have made that very clear to us in several situations over the past few months. God is so good to be opening our eyes again.

Another set of good friends have now just experienced an adoption that went bad. We are heart broken for these friends, and we sincerely know that they will be awesome parents. They spent their life savings on this adoption and now they have nothing to show for it, except a lot of dreams dashed. They made it through the whole pregnancy and even got to hold "their" little boy at the hospital before the birth mom changed her mind. I am trying to be a comfort, but I am so busy with your brother and sisters that I know I'm not giving it as much time as I should be. I know that it would be awfully heartbreaking for me to show up at her door with three wonderful kids too, so I really am keeping my distance.

All of this talk of adoption and adoptions going bad will play such a huge role in our lives in the next few months. I am fully aware the risk the adoptive parents have and also the terms of open adoption that people set up. I realize that each adoption story is not the same end result and do not have the same requirements from the adoptive parents. I think a lot about how simple or hard the requests from birth parents would be for me to fulfill if I were the one adopting a child. For some reason I think a lot about exactly what I could handle and how each of the situations would help an adopted child long term. Little do I know that this is just another way of preparing my heart for you, our first adopted baby girl.

Love you forever!

Mommy

2010-04-02T01:01:00.002-11:00

Dear Graysie,

4 days ago I was shopping for outfits to wear for senior pictures, now I’m shopping for an OBGYN…. Today I had my first prenatal appointment. My aunt used to be a receptionist for an OBGYN office and highly recommended a woman named Dr. Stites. You normally have to wait weeks, even months to get an appointment with her, but somehow they managed to squeeze me in. I think the fact that I’m already 4+ months pregnant and have had no prenatal care helped.

I was really nervous about going to see a gynecologist. I have never been before; I have never needed to before. I was thankful my mom and Lauren accompanied me on this uncomfortable experience. When I arrived I signed in and sat down in a crowded waiting room. I looked around and discovered I was the youngest patient by far. The nicely furnished room was filled with eager, anxious, happy pregnant women all in their 20’s or 30’s. I was the only one in this room who doesn’t want their baby, who hated the fact that she is pregnant, who wanted to be ANYWHERE but here. After waiting for 20 minutes the nurse called my name. I embarrassingly followed her to an exam room. I knew all the excited moms to be were watching me.

My nurse had a welcoming smile and a warm face. Thank God for small miracles! She had me pee in a way too small cup and then weighed me. I haven’t gained a pound! Maybe I should be concerned, but secretly I’m so relieved! I’m not ready for the world to be able to look at me and instantly know I’m pregnant. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that. The nurse asked when my last normal period was and the date of conception, she entered that information on this little wheel/chart device and announced my due date: April 3, 2002. Three weeks before I turn 18. Not being pregnant anymore will be a magnificent birthday present!

I then met my doctor, Dr. Stites. She also seems really nice and not at all surprised by my age. I spent some time in the stir ups (so not a fun experience) and then she measured and felt my stomach. I was surprised when she said we were going to listen to your heartbeat. I hadn’t planned for this. Am I suppose to smile gleefully and seem thrilled at the sound of my babies heart beat, or do I melt into tears because I’m hearing the heartbeat of a baby that will never be mine? Dr. Stites found your heart beat right away; I looked out the window awkwardly not knowing how to react. She said your heart beat is fast and strong and that everything else looks great. I’m so thankful you’re healthy. Even if you’ll never be mine, I already want the best for you.

Love, Amanda

2010-04-02T00:57:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie:

I'm still in shock over the catastrophe our country has endured. Actually, that is a really nice way of saying that I'm still freaking out!! It has been a few months since we were in Disney World and The World trade Center bombing, and yet I am still uneasy. I am sick over all the lives lost and even sicker for the people who've been left behind. I will forever be changed. Right now, I am fascinated with all the survival stories and all the featured families surrounding this horrific event. I am really intrigued with all the men lost who left behind the pregnant wives who are now going to be single parents. For some strange reason, I can't help but wonder how many of them will not survive this emotionally. I think countless hours over the great loss these children, who will never know their fathers, will have to suffer. I think about how hard these women who thought they would have a partner in parenting will now have to work at raising their children alone. I am saddened to know that so many children will now be raised by single mommy's and daddy's. I never think that this is impossible, I just think it will be so much harder than what they had planned for their lives. My heart aches each time I look at your brother and sisters and think how their lives would change had they been left with one less parent.

I also realize what a gift each of the pregnant women have been given as a forever reminder of their lost spouse. I analyze how they would be feeling when they get to tell their children about the parent who loved them deeply. What these mommy's and daddy's who survived will tell their children about the parents who left them in such a sad way. I imagine they will tell them all the wonderful things about them, while leaving out the flaws. I imagine them telling their children they had the other parent's eyes or nose or hands. I'm sure they would have countless photographs to share and some memorable stories. I imagine what I would say about daddy and what he would say about me if we ever had to go through a tragedy like this. I think about all the important things a child who lost a parent, a parent who loved them deeply, would want to hear about them. I think about how these kids would want to know "why?" I think about how they would want to know about their parents interests and hobbies and pet peeves. I think about how they would want to stare at pictures to find resemblances and to "connect" in some way. I think about how they will want to know how it all happened. Every time I'm thinking about this, I am really thinking about you, Graysie, and what you will need to hear. Funny, isn't it? Funny, how God can be preparing me to think about what you will need to hear someday about your birth mom while not even realizing you are out there.

I'm being prepared to love and parent you in the best way I know how, and I will!

love you forever!

Mommy

2010-03-30T22:39:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie,

Today was my first day back to school since finding out about you. I needed to take a couple of days to master faking a smile and acting like my world did not just fall apart. I woke up extra early, put on my favorite dress (black silk with red roses), and made sure my makeup was flawless. If everyone was going to be staring, they might as well stare at me when I look my best.

When I went to get in my car I discovered someone had wrote “OREO”, “WHORE”, and “SLUT” across my windows. The “OREO” comment was directed at the fact that you’re biracial. I cleaned most of it off so it was at least unreadable before I left. I really just want things to get back to normal.

When I arrived I plastered my best “I’m fine and life is great” smile across my face and walked in with my head held high. I was terrified of what this day was going to bring, but no one else needed to know that. I kept repeating in my head, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Immediately, I was confronted with my peers giving me looks of hate, pity, curiosity, and a few smiles of encouragement. (Those smiles only came from a hand full of friends.) I had thought all about how this pregnancy would change my body, my future, my life; but I hadn’t thought about how it would drastically change the way others treated me.

I wandered from class to class numbly taking in the murmur of gossip that engulfed the halls as I walked down them. Everyone knew, even the teachers. I was asked to come to office 4^th hour. I had no idea why. Were they going to give me detention for being pregnant? I wished they would just expel me and let me finish high school in some “alternative” school. I wish they still sent girls away to have their babies with nuns in unwed mother homes. Everyone could think I went to visit and “Aunt” and then I would avoid all of this tortuous ridicule. They called me into the vice principal’s office (I have never even had a detention before). He told me there was talk of some girls planning to beat me up. I stared at him with shocked confusion. I have never been in a fight; I don’t even know how to fight. He told me I could start coming to school later and leaving my classes earlier to avoid running into any of these girls in the halls. Those girls can give me a black eye or a fat lip, it won’t touch the pain I’m going through inside.

When classmates ask what my plans are for you, I tell them I’ll be giving you up for adoption. Most seem very uncomfortable with my answer. They look at me like I’m heartless, selfish, or strange. Hardly anyone thinks it’s a good idea, or I’m making the right decision. But I don’t care. I know I’m not ready for you in any way! We both deserve so much more!

I saw a group of pregnant girls at my school today. They were smiling, laughing, proudly showing off their swollen belly, and discussing baby names; it disgusted me! How can they be happy about this? Don’t they realize their life is over? I get making the best out of a situation, but I can’t be excited about you. How can they? Am I missing some mother gene? One of the pregnant girls even came up to me and asked if I was going to be in the pre-parenting class with all the other mom’s to be. I looked at her, stunned, and said, “Absolutely not! I’m not going to be this baby’s parent.” I think she hates me now. I hate me now!

My only relief from this unrelenting nightmare is sleep. Every day I can’t wait to crawl in bed, go to sleep, and forget all about you. How can something the size of an apple cause so much trouble? Maybe tomorrow will be better. Now it’s time to go to sleep. Thank God! Can’t I just sleep through the next 5 months?

Love,

Amanda

2010-03-30T22:38:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie

Wow! We are having a huge baby boom at church!

We belong to a very small church that daddy has gone to for many years. Even though their is only about sixty people who attend, we are expecting 8 new babies. It seems like every time I turn around someone else is announcing they are pregnant. Some of our friends who have much older kids, and have announced for years that they were done having children, are even pregnant. It seems a little strange to be the only one not expecting a baby. I almost feel like an outsider.

I keep smiling and rubbing it in that I don't have morning sickness like they do. I keep saying I can have as much caffeine as I want. I relish in the fact that I no longer need to be taking the giant prenatal vitamins they are all gagging down each morning. I'm not tired, I get to "have my body back", I'm not nauseated, no monthly doctor's appointments, and many other positives of not having to be pregnant.

Even though I keep smiling I have a definite tugging inside telling me that maybe we rushed our decision to not ever have any more kids. We really made an important decision in a very short amount of time. A decision I am worried I will regret sooner than later. Funny that my conversations have nothing to do with not having more children, but instead they have everything to do with not being pregnant again. I somehow have a sudden burning desire to be a mommy again.I keep putting these feelings behind me every time they crop up because I assume I am just wanting to be part of the pregnant crowd at church. As much as I am trying to get the thought of having another child out of my head for some reason it just keeps cropping up. I don't know why, its a bit silly since Mihya is still an infant and daddy and I have already decided we will forever be a family of five. I never acknowledge that the only way to be a mommy again without being pregnant is through adoption.

Right now all I can do is secretly regret what I am now considering to be a hasty, poorly planned decision. Little do I know this is just another preparation of my mind for you.

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-03-29T01:30:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I knew I was pregnant for about 2 hours when I decided it was imperative that I tell my mother. I was sitting in Lauren’s kitchen in a daze when suddenly I thought: I NEED TO TELL MY MOM! I frantically told Lauren we had to go to my parent’s house. We jumped into my blue Cavalier for the 8 minute drive to tell my mom the news I knew would destroy her. The loneliness of my new reality was starting to creep in and replace the fogginess that filled my brain.

I have always been very close with my mom. I know she loves me, I know she would keep me safe, I know she wants the best for me, and I know I can trust her with anything. Whether it’s a big fight with a friend, or a teacher that had treated me unfairly, my mom has always made things better. I was hoping this time wouldn’t be so different; maybe she could swoop in and fix this massive mess.

As we pulled up to my parents house I realized my mom’s car was not there. I walked in and numbly asked my dad when my mom would be home. He said it would be shortly and Lauren and I retreated to my bed room. The feeling to purge this horrid secret became more and more unbearable as I waited for her to return. As soon as I heard her car pull into the drive way I rushed downstairs and met my mom at the door way. I calmly asked her to come up to my room for a chat. “Chat” was sooooo not a good word for the heartrending conversation we were about to have….

My mom walked into my lavender painted bedroom and sat on the window seat. As soon as the door was securely shut the hopelessness of my situation hit me and uncontrollable sobs wracked my body. I cried out “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please, please don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me, I’m pregnant. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”

I could handle her being angry. I could handle her being disappointed. But I couldn’t handle her hating me as much as I hate myself. She held me tight and promised she could never hate me. I could see the pain in her eyes, but I know it’s not pain for herself; it’s pain for me and what I have and will have to suffer through.

After I finished tearfully informing her all the information I know about you, we figured we have about 5 months until you’re here. My mom brought up giving you up for adoption. That way I can give you the life that you deserve and I still get the life that I deserve. In about 5 months everything will go back to exactly as it was before. I will graduate high school, go on to college, and end up with some amazing career. I will never have to become the single teenage mom who survives off welfare and lives in my parent’s basement. In 5 months I can forget all about you and this atrocious nightmare.

I can survive the next 5 months. I will get through this, I HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS!

Love, Amanda

P.S I am so exhausted! I’m spending the night at Lauren’s house tonight; I don’t want to be there when my mom tells my dad. After we got back in my car I remembered I forgot my backpack. Before I opened the front door, I saw my mom collapse into violent sobs. My 2 hour old secret has destroyed her. I have to keep telling myself that this is only temporary. Only 5 months and then everything will be exactly the same, right?

2010-03-29T01:29:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie

It's our first trip to Disney World. I have wanted to bring your sisters and brother for what seems like ever.

We are staying for two weeks and although it rains everyday, we cherish our time spent together. The trip is so much more than we have imagined it would be. Some of our best memories are of riding rides and watching shows in the pouring warm rain. It is the "perfect" vacation for our family because Disney is so child-centered. Daddy and I have brought Grandy and Grampy with us as another set of eyes, ears and helping hands but also as a "thank you" for how involved they are in our lives.

Mihya is just 7 months old and we are bombarded with trying to maneuver her car seat and stroller while at the same time having strollers for Kaidon and Emma. The walking is a bit much for even the adults. We are staying on property so we ride the Disney transportation to and from the parks daily and each day we try and leave with less and less to make our trips more manageable. We make a decision that this trip will be our yearly family vacation. We know that each year this time will be a cherished event we all look forward to.

Frequently daddy announces how great it will be next year when things will be easier without as many necessities to bring along. Mihya will be eighteen months old by then and able to use a smaller stroller and eat table food and all the other things that come with age. For some reason, each time he relishes in these thoughts I secretly am a little disheartened at the thought of our "show being over". A nagging feeling of sadness overwhelms me but I never mention this to daddy because I don't want him to think I am not grateful for the three kids I already have. I love this time in my life and because of that I am not going to worry about what I don't have. Right now, I'm focusing on the great family that I have and sharing in some great memories.

Little do I know now that next year at this time I will have another sweet baby girl to call my own and to spoil with her first experience of Disney World.

I love you forever,

Mommy

2010-03-26T03:28:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

Monday came too fast! The 2:55 school bell also came too fast. EVERYTHING is coming TOO FAST. It’s time to face what I had been trying to deny for months! I drive my blue Cavalier to the unremarkable office complex that holds the free clinic. I feel dirty even being in this parking lot. I didn’t even know things like “free clinics” existed until yesterday. I sign in and lie about not having insurance. A pudgy nurse ushers me to a lab where they take blood from my arm. I’m taken to Room #3 to wait for my test results. The nurse comes back 10 minutes later and politely tells me I’m pregnant. I politely smile back and say “Thank you”.

I drive to Lauren’s house. My mind is blank. I calmly tell Lauren I’m pregnant. I would rather tell her I have cancer, I’m being arrested, or joining a cult, anything besides being pregnant. I’m not a dumb girl. I’m not romanticizing the thought of being pregnant or having a baby. I don’t think anything good can come out of this. I do not love this baby, I do not want this baby, but I will have this baby. What I do after I have this baby, I don’t know.

Love, Amanda

2010-03-26T03:22:00.001-11:00

Dear Graysie:

I'm feeling very guilty right now. I'm feeling guilty that I have three kids and am absolutely enjoying parenting when so many of our friends have tried and tried and are not getting pregnant. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I need to let their ridicule of my consecutive pregnancies roll off my back, and yet I still can't help but feel guilty.

One set of friends has gotten pregnant multiple times and yet they continue to lose the pregnancies. They cry every time they are around your brothers and sisters and it makes me not only feel guilty but also I have stopped wanting them around. I haven't ever experienced losing a baby and I hope I never have to. This same set of friends is thinking they may adopt and yet they continue to "shop" birth parents like they are God himself trying to form their "perfect" family. They want a baby who will look just like them, I say often that I am sure daddy never guessed he'd have pale skinned, blue eyed kids and yet he does. God just gives you what he wants to give you and it makes me sad for them that they may be missing out on the baby God intends for them.

Another set of our friends is convinced they deserve children more than we do and for that they are bitter towards us. They continually say it's not fair that they don't have a baby and we do because they have done things "right". I guess they don't think we have somehow? I suggest adoption to them and they tell me they could never be a baby "stealer", my heart hurts that they may miss out on parenting all together.

Many more friends struggle and many more times I suggest adoption to them. Some of their answers are disheartening,some angering, some selfish and at this point we don't have a clue you will be in our lives. I'm defensive of their answers and I don't even know why. I will use all of these feelings and revelations when we finally find out about you and decide to adopt you. I will know how they "really" feel about adoption and bi-racial kids before I end up putting you, our spunky girl, in the care of someone who looks at you so differently than I'd ever want for you.

So, right now I am feeling guilty and yet in the long run I will be ever so grateful for these times of heart to heart talks with the ones who are closest to us. Grateful, because in a matter of months we will need to know who is 100% supportive of one of the biggest decisions of our lives.

I love you forever,

Mommy

2010-03-24T01:12:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

It’s mid October 2001, homecoming weekend! I’m so excited, homecoming is my thing! Actually, I could care less about the big game, the dance, or even my date. The “thing” that excites me the most about homecoming is the preparation. Finding the perfect dress, the right shoes, complimentary accessories, enchanting makeup, and a dazzling up-do thrills me to the core! My dress is amethyst colored sequins from head to toe. Even hanging in my closet the dress looks stunning!

My date’s running a couple minutes late and that sends me into tears. Why in the world am I crying over this? I precisely place a q-tip in the corner of my eyes to catch the tears before they can reach my eye liner or fake lashes. I look at myself in the mirror as I try to stop the salty tears. The sad eyes looking back at me know my life is probably going to be brutally altered come Monday. But tonight is not about that! Tonight is about looking glamorous, going to a fancy restaurant, having fun with my friends, and being a normal teenager for one more night….

Love,

Amanda

2010-03-24T01:10:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie

I am happy being a mommy. I have wanted this for so long. In my junior high yearbook we listed what we'd be doing in 10 years and I said I would have a family with a lot of kids. Three is a lot considering most of our friends don't have any yet and some aren't even married.

I am busy at home. I have very high expectations for our house, your brother and sisters, and for myself. I have the mind set that I only have one chance so I am going to do this "perfect". I read, do crafts and spend countless hours playing with the kids.

We also have the business out of our house. Daily we have a houseful of people who are here working. They are upstairs and in and out all day. When the kids nap, I go help with the business. Most people think I am crazy and yet, I secretly know it is good because I actually have adult interaction when most stay at home moms don't. I am part of something "bigger" although my first priority is being a mommy.

When we were pregnant with Mihya we decided she'd be our last baby. Not because we don't enjoy having kids, just that mommy has to be on bed rest for at least 4 months of each pregnancy and I don't think that is fair to the other kids. Mommy is a little sad that we can't keep having babies, because I love having them around and I love that I have bonding time nursing them. I realize it's the best choice though, just because it's hard on everyone when I am pregnant.

Never do I think about adoption for us, Graysie. I mean, we have three kids. We can get pregnant. Adoption was for the people in the world who couldn't conceive right? Or the people who could only have boys so they could get their long awaited little girl. Adoption was for the kids who were in the system and needed a "good" family, it was our duty as competent adults to help right? Adoption wasn't for us, we didn't fit in that criteria. We didn't "need" more children. Never did the thought cross my mind, never did I dream about adopting. Never.

I love you forever,

Mommy

2010-03-22T00:43:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

It was just suppose to be a night with good friends and great music but it all went terribly wrong… The concert was so much fun! Way better than I expected!! After it ended, we headed back to my friend’s house to spend the night. I was already in bed when my friend said there was someone in the basement that wanted to talk to me. I was not expecting it to be the person it was, the person I only knew by name. My naïve 17 year old self walked into a sickening situation I couldn’t get out of. It left me feeling empty, disgusted, dirty, humiliated, confused, terrified, and then very very numb.

I have a secret that I’ve kept from just about everyone except Lauren. I’ve been trying very hard to forget that horrible night, but I just can’t. Now, I fear I will have a reminder of that horrible incident forever, you.

Could I really be pregnant though? I did throw up my cereal one morning, but that was just once. Is that morning sickness? My periods can sometimes be irregular; I’ve skipped a month before. Isn’t that normal? My stomach is still flat. Wouldn’t I be showing? I don’t have weird cravings. Wouldn’t I be super hungry? I just don’t think it’s possible. But this nagging fear won’t go away!

It’s already been 3 months. I really just need to find out the truth, but I’m too scared to face it. How could God let this happen to me? Why did that night ever happen to me? Why didn’t I just stay home like my mom wanted me to? WHY, WHY, WHY?

I’ll wait a couple more weeks. I’m sure my period will return. I just need to relax and stop worrying. God wouldn’t let this happen to me. This is just like a nightmare, I’ll wake up soon. Right?

Love, Amanda

2010-03-22T00:42:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

My days are spent wiping bottoms, wiping tears, wiping boogies, wiping counters, wiping floors, wiping windows….well….pretty much you can sum up my life at this point as wiping! I love my time taking care of your brother and your two sisters.

Since we've moved into our house, I have met so many new friends. So many neighbors who are going to be a huge part of our lives. Most of them have kids who are Emma's age and we are learning the art of "the play date".

Often our house is filled with neighbor kids. Mommy loves having them here, not only because they keep your sister entertained but also because I am glad we are doing what we planned with this house. I feel like we have made the neighborhood kids feel welcome and loved inside these walls. I find out how welcome they feel when one of them walks in the house one day and I am not yet fully dressed. She talks to me like it is normal to see her neighbor undressed and I don't tell her it's not because I don't want her embarrassed. We have some tough times with the neighborhood kids at times too. Some mean words said, some hurt feelings, some leaving each other out. I must admit that sometimes I don't handle things well and I have to try and do better next time. At other times I am a pro and feel like I am mastering having a house full of kids.

What I don't realize while I am kissing other peoples children's owies and wiping their noses and helping them get on and off the potty is that my heart is being softened for you. For you, my brown eyed girl, who looks so different from your sisters and brother. For you, who didn't grow inside my tummy, but in Amanda's. My heart is being molded to care for something that I did not have a part in creating. I am learning to look into the face of a child who has hurt feelings and find compassion, even though I don't see my own eyes looking back at me. My days spent with the neighborhood kids are so much more than entertaining Emma. Yes, they are so much more important than that, but I won't realize it for quite some time.

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-03-19T04:27:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

I’m a typical teenage girl growing up in a picture perfect Midwest suburb. I have a great family. My mom and dad always put us first. I feel safe, secure, and loved. I’m the oldest of three. I have two younger brothers; Josh and Ben. We’re a close family. I like going shopping with my mom. I love when we all go out to lunch after church. Vacations with my family are always a blast. I’m pretty lucky in the family department!

I enjoy school and do well in most of my classes. My favorite subject is English. I devour books. The first book I ever read was Ramona the Mouse. I remember reading Matilda by Rohld Dahl over and over. I had to buy 3 copies because the binding kept wearing out.

I’ve been a cheerleader through jr. high and most of high school. I like being a part of something. Every summer we go to cheerleading camp. It’s so much fun; like a slumber party for 4 days! Most of my good friends are also cheerleaders. I love the uniforms, big bows, high pony tails, and face glitter. Practice is always a big social session sprinkled with tumbling, dancing, jumping, and building. (pyramids, tosses, throws) Most of my coaches are like big sisters to me. I think my mom would of rather me been on dance team (after all I took 10 years of dance lessons), but cheerleading is a better fit. Performances are the best! Pep assemblies, competitions, half time…..I adore it all!

Being nice to everyone is important to me. I always end up befriending the person who had no friends. I guess I have a soft spot for the underdog. I have lots of acquaintances, but I’m always cautious when choosing close friends. I can count my “true” friends on one hand. I don’t think being guarded on who you let into your life is a bad thing. Girls can be fickle, petty, viscous, and jealous; especially in high school.

My best friend is Lauren. We love to go tanning, shopping, and eat BBQ sauce with bread. (Weird, right?) This summer we’ll spend most of our time at the pool, at the mall, or probably just hanging out at Lauren’s house. Lauren has a boyfriend, his name is Ross. He is always around when he’s not working. I like Ross, but sometimes I wish he didn’t spend so much time with us.

Church is every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I’m the only girl in youth group who’s not homeschooled. If anyone has any questions on makeup or fashion I’m the girl to ask. At youth church camp I do makeovers, color and style hair, put together outfits and answers questions about boys. It’s a lot of fun! I’ll be going to youth camp the 3^rd week of July. My church friends are so much easier to get along with.

I’m eager to start senior year! My classes will be super easy. There is so much to look forward to: senior pictures, spring break in South Padre, homecoming, a later curfew, parties, and graduation! I think I might graduate at semester (December). Maybe I’ll spend 2^nd semester taking some classes at Community College. That should help prepare me more for next year.

Then in the fall of 2002 I will be off to KU. I’m going to live in a dorm my first year with Lauren as my roommate. We’re planning on joining a fabulous sorority! My major is going to be either interior design or broadcast journalism. I just know college is going to be amazing!

Only one thing can mess up my perfect plans: you.

Love, Amanda

2010-03-19T04:21:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie:

We just moved into our house on Aberdeen in July. We love it here. I am pleasantly surprised that their are so many young families. We moved for many reasons. The main reason is that our last house was much too small. Daddy's business is growing and so is his staff and we couldn't house them in the tiny basement office anymore. Plus, Your big sister, Mihya, was just born unexpectedly in March. With those two factors weighing significantly on our cramped space we began looking for a new house.

When we began looking for our new house I had just a couple of concerns. Number 1, I wanted to be sure we picked a house in a good school district because we have three kids to raise. Number 2, I wanted it to be a "real" house. I didn't want some big showy thing that looked like we shouldn't be touching anything in it. I wanted to be able to be a "family" wherever we were and to have other people comfortable when they came to visit. What we ended up with was so much more than we ever dreamed.

Graysie, we ended up in a 10 bedroom house! I love this house. It is barn style and has no vaulted ceilings. It is basic and laid back and conformable and welcoming. We have a space upstairs with plenty of sunlight for the office staff, instead of a basement. We have a room for each of your brother and sisters a guest room, toy room, craft room, and some empty rooms we are not yet sure what we will do with at this point, but that is all in Gods big plan isn't it?

We spend time praying each time we think about this house, our prayers go something like this: "God, please let us house people in our home who need a place to stay, please use us God for the people who need a welcoming place to call home or a place to get away from what they are worried about. God, use us if you have someone who just needs to feel like they have a family and God please give us an open mind and heart to not use this house for selfish gain, but to glorify you" I'm not sure how many times we said that prayer Graysie, but what I do know is that it worked!

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-03-17T14:02:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie:

Daddy and I are at church camp. It is August of 2001 and we have taken Emma, Kaidon, and Mihya to Horn Creek for the first time. We are with our good friends, Randy and Ginger, and a few other couples they have invited too. Although we've never been as a family, daddy grew up going to this camp with his youth group. We are so excited to spend a week as a family and mommy is secretly thrilled that daddy can't get a cell phone signal because that means we will actually get uninterrupted time from his business.

The days spent at church camp are pretty laid back and relaxing. Every family has their own agenda and seem to be enjoying their time here. Some families this is their first time here and others I can tell are regulars. The pool is broken down and is freezing and your brother and sisters are not happy about that at all. We have spent time hiking, climbing trees, bowling, playing with the basketballs, horseback riding and enjoying each others company. We have driven into town a few times and looked at the shops, but for the most part we have just spent time together.

In the evenings all of the families are brought together. We eat dinner in a big room with tables and then we do our evening church service. We have the option of putting your brother and sisters in the nursery, but mommy thinks they will enjoy the worship music so I keep them with us. Afterwards, there are so many evening activities to enjoy and we stay as long as we can, which isn't that long because Mihya is only 5 months old, and then we go back to our cabin for the night.

By the end of the week so many of the faces that were unfamiliar to us in the beginning are now referred to as "friends". We've talked to almost each person at camp and heard their "story" of how they came to know Horn Creek. One person has my attention that I realize I never spoke to though. I don't know why I'm drawn to this beautiful teenage girl, but something inside is telling me I should have connected with her. Why? I wonder to myself, what would we even have in common?

The answer to that question is so much bigger than I can imagine right now.

I love you forever!

Mommy

2010-03-17T02:55:00.000-11:00

Dear Graysie,

It’s August 2001, time for my family’s annual trip to Horn Creek Church Camp. I’ve been going since before I was born. (In fact, I’m pretty sure I was conceived on the way there.) I cherish my time spent in the mountains. One week is never long enough. I hope when I’m 18 I can get a summer job there.

My favorite day of the year is the Saturday we drive to Horn Creek. (It’s better than Christmas!) The scenic drive has breath taking views of the mountains, valleys, and forests. It signals the beginning of a much anticipated week of family fun. As soon as we turn on to Macy Lane I roll down my window and take the deepest breath possible. The crisp piney air is irresistible. As soon as the minivan is parked I make sure my feet are the first ones to touch the dirt packed ground. It’s just some quirky ritual that I try and do every year. Honestly, Colorado is one of the loves of my life. I love Horn Creek likes it’s a dear family member.

We haul our luggage to our rustic room located in the mini lodge. I’m making my brother carry my bags! I’m anxious to get unpacked and see who made it back this year. I hike up around the semi circle of cabins with my brothers trailing close behind. I spot cousins, aunts, uncles, and old family friends. The dinner bell rings and we make our way to the dining hall. I spot a young couple with three adorable children. Their baby resembles a delightfully chubby cherub. Their daughter and son, both toddlers, are charmingly cute and well behaved. I quickly dismiss this sweet family as probably more friends of my cousins, Randy and Ginger. Every year they bring new friends with endearing little families. I’m only 17, I have nothing in common with these people. But something about them is making me want to befriend them. Maybe I should get to know them. Maybe I should offer to help out with their kids. But wait, there’s Trenton from last year. We’ve wrote letters back and forth for months. I’m so glad he’s here!

I spend my days hiking, horseback riding, swimming, rafting, and enjoying all the activities the mountains had to offer. At night, I attend round up (church) and then play card games or go bowling. It really is a week of squeaky clean fun. Every night at round up that charismatic little family catches my eye. My mom thinks their baby is cute as a button and even holds her one night during service. I hope someday I have a pleasant little family just like them. I will take my family to church camp, and maybe our families will even be friends; but that won’t be for years.

Love, Amanda